Your decisions matter past Election Day.

Yes, the election matters.
And your choice matters.
No matter what that choice was.

AND No,
that will not be enough.

I have been watching, waiting, witnessing this year…a lot.

I’ve read and heard things, burned images into my mind, that I wish I had never fucking seen, read, or heard.

We are all currently witnessing and waiting with bated breath for the decision of millions of people.

AND,
it doesn’t stop there.

When results have been pending, what decision do you make?
Do you decide to rest and wait another four years?

Do you get angry? Do you become happy? What do you choose? And why?

We make decisions every day that lead to the world we live in. We do this in how we engage with what is ours, and what is theirs. What is within us, and what is without us.
We do this when we decide what is theirs, is NOT ours too.
We make decisions every day that create the life and relationships we reside in.

I have news for you, no body is coming to save you. Not Biden, nor Trump. Their platforms and the gamified system that is intent to divide us, certainly WILL NOT save you.

The darkness you see, the darkness of 2020, the darkness of (white) supremacy culture, the darkness that has us enslave, murder, dominate, and exclude our fellow humans, lives within every single one of us.

AND,
it lives within the decisions we make day in and day out. We have become so disconnected from ourselves that we cannot even recognize what is true and what is false.

Heal that shit. You owe it to your ancestors, your brothers and sisters, your children. Your community. Your planet. This whole fucking Universe.

Heal the shit that tells you, you don’t matter, and you’re not enough. Connect in with this immaculate instrument (your body) to the actual motherfucking truth. It is in there, buried beneath trauma and conditioning.

Connect back to the truth that you are a Queen, a King, walking this planet to add your special ingredients to the cocktail that lifts this whole fucking Universe higher.

OWN. THAT. Heal anything that tells you otherwise.
Make that decision. Right now. Every time that you hear a voice that says anything DISCOUNTING your absolute miraculous nature of being, remember that voice is bred of a system that WINS when you believe it.

Then, go find the others in your community and keep making those same decisions every fucking day until you die. Together. For each other. For your self.

When we start doing that, we change our lives, we change our communities, and we change the world.

We change the game from winning and losing, to growing and loving. And I don’t care how cheesy it sounds, Love conquers all.

I dare you to love your self so fiercely that you show up as your biggest, baddest, fiercest, most passionate, version of you. And then I dare you to transform the world.

That is the world I dare to create for my children. Do you dare?

Is Joy the Same as Finding God? (Part 2/2)

In my last blog I spoke about this quote:  “Joy is not the absence of pain, it’s the presence of God.” 

And I also spoke about how I feel about the label “God.” (Check it out here).

I shared that post first, to give background to relate my next piece of truth.

To revisit that quote, it was as follows: “Joy is not the absence of pain, it’s the presence of God.” 

Based on my previous post, let’s get creative.

Let’s use Universe instead of God.

Reframe: “Joy is not the absence of pain, it’s presence with the Universe.”

If we are part of the Universe, then maybe this is also true: 

“Joy is not the absence of pain and suffering, it is presence with self.”

Now drawing from my life experience, this feels deeply true:

Joy is not the absence of pain and suffering, 

it is deep presence and honoring of your present moment.

Does that resonate?

What about this:

Joy is the Awareness of Belonging.

For me, Joy has been found, not in the absence of pain, but in the deep presence with the truth of my experience in the moment.

Some of my most joyful moments have been during the deepest sadness of my life.

When I look back across a life, I can see moments of jubilant joy, and moments of earth shaking pain.

And in their commonality, under both emotions, is the deep felt connection to the present moment those experiences existed in.

To be truly present with joy, to be truly present with pain, is to be truly present with what is.

To be deeply present with what is, is joy-full.

In those moments, there was deep deep presence with exactly what was. And that drew upon a feeling of a deep connection to….the Universe. 

I’m a part of that Universe. So are you.
I belong. So do you.

That awareness anchors us to what’s already within us.

Deep emotions and experiences can remind us of that truth.

An example:

I remember when my dad passed, it was somewhat of a relief to know that he had acquiesced into peace….finally.

I remember standing next to the remnants of who he had been.

A mere shell, that he had inhabited.

I remember squeezing what had been his arm.

I remember it was cold, hard, gaunt – no longer him.

I was so thankful for the solitude in that moment.

To fully embrace where I was, with no watching eyes.

And in that moment, finality sunk in,

I was deeply present in that very moment with exactly what was – the very real, very obvious, very certain truth, that my Dad was no longer on this Earth.

The feelings that surface with such a moment, are nothing short of wrenching, painful, and I felt it all. I allowed it to wash over me.

If I had desired that moment to be any other way, I would have missed that moment for exactly what it was. 

My final goodbye.

If I had wished it to be different, or thought it unfair, it would have placed me in another timeline, an alternate reality. I’d be living with what “should have been” and not that which was. I would have not been in the present moment, where his cold, hard body lay upon a table in front of me.

I would have cheated my self out of that final moment.

These are the games we play to avoid what is.

And I’m not sure whether it was the extended nature of his decline, my relief that he found peace, or the sheer gravity of the moment, but I was TRULY THERE.

I was truly and deeply present with the pain of the very real and present moment.

And that connection to my pain, that connection to presence, that connection to the universe was deeply connected to joy.

Here I am. I am in pain. This is incredibly sad. I’m sorry. I miss you. I love you. Goodbye.

My dad’s illness, and the pain that came along with that journey, was a tremendous exercise in being present with the pain I was experiencing.

And when I reflect back those moments are some of the most connected moments of my life.

They are moments that echo across time, and anchored me to my very real existence in the moment, 

And they also anchor me to the very present reality of the divine nature of this human experience.

Joy is the present experience of my connection to the Universe.
Whatever that present experience may be.

Is Joy the same as finding God? (Part 1/2)

After a titillating conversation with my beautiful soul sister @jennamcinnes I marinated on Joy…a lot. I fell into a deep remembrance of different times across my life, when I believed Joy to be present.

We often account Joy as happiness, or thereabouts. But when I truly thought and meditated on Joy I saw it ran far deeper than happiness. And I think for the most part, we have these inklings about certain words. It’s why we search for the exact right word for the moment we are trying to define – at least I do. Because there’s nuance with language – we may not know what the difference is, but we can feel it. I’ll speak for my self, I can feel it. Although, I don’t always know what “it” is that I’m feeling.

For me, I believe joy is not happiness, and I believe it to be different. To me happiness is a fleeting moment, not something you can grasp, and Joy doesn’t quite feel like that to me.

So what is Joy?

When I experienced the remembrance of Joy across my life, I recognized that it was present at some deeply painful moments, and this piqued my curiosity. Often we associate joy with positive experiences. Happiness. Love.

In my heart, I felt that Joy was NOT necessarily the absence of pain. Cue google search, I’m not the first person to say this. No original thought.

I found several quotes from priests and pastors that stated, “Joy is not the absence of pain, it’s the presence of God.” 

Or this slight variation, “Joy is not the absence of suffering, it is the presence of God.”

There are a multitude of biblical references on Joy, and there’s plenty of discussion about what it truly means in the traditional religious setting, with many words that I think can be polarizing and create a disconnect from our personal TRUTH: words like Jesus and God.

Whatever your beliefs may be, these words create a mental projection.

My projection has been shifted over the years, but the word God (for me), brings about an image of an omnipotent, male, white being.

What does that word bring up for you?

We live in a systemically racist world, it does not surprise me that this is the image of God my mind conjures.

Now, over the years I have adapted my meaning and understanding of what I believe God to be, and I have found my truth amongst the conditioning. However, that image still exists somewhere in my being.

So what does God mean to me?

Firstly, I don’t like to use the word “God,” for the reasons I mentioned above.

I believe in a grand unifying source. My version of God is the Universe. And I believe we are all a piece of that Universe. And naturally, every THING is a piece of the Universe.

We are a piece of the ultimate puzzle. We are a piece of the collective.

Which means, all things belong. Including you. 

Every thing and person is connected. We are all unified in this, together, one way or another.

To be separate, is to forget the truth of the matter.

And how does this relate to Joy?

I’ll share more in an upcoming post! Stay tuned.

Love is Relentless

Here’s to kissing you forever. Happy anniversary darling.

I had no idea who I was when I kissed his tender lips ten years ago.

And in my limitation of what I could see of me, I had a limited view of what I could see of him.

We were blind, bound by love, and some kind of blind knowing,

And there was a willingness to see what that could blossom.

I had no idea what I wanted.

Over the years I have grown deeper with me, deeper with him.

I used to feel like I was too demanding.

And with my particular twist, this was really hard to do.

To ask for what you want, to even know what you want.

At some point I realized I wasn’t happy – I didn’t realize how much healing I had to do, I didn’t even realize I had things to heal from.

I grew up with a “rub some dirt on it” conditioning.

But the dirt wasn’t working anymore.

And when I look across the time we have spent together, I have been demanding.

I have been loud.

I have been determined.

I have been a child.

I have been RELENTLESS.

I wanted a marriage I had never seen modeled.

I wanted it to be ours, that we co-created.

I wanted to be deeply seen and heard.

I wanted to feel his attention so keenly focused on me, that I could feel his heart in a single gaze,
that I could feel heat and passion in the gentle touch of an index finger.

I wanted to be in a marriage where I was cherished, and respected, and held tenderly.

I wanted to be a queen to a king.

And you can’t do that if you’re sleepwalking. 

You can’t have any of those things with a closed heart, a closed mind, or blind expectations.

You can’t have those things if you’re not willing to see your assumptions (your bullshit), question everything, and then expect it from YOUR SELF first.

You cannot ask your partner to love you deeply, tenderly, sensually, if you aren’t creating an awareness and narrative between you and YOUR SELF first.

I can’t very well speak unkindly within, and expect difference or better, without.

I meditated. I journaled. I wrote about what I wanted. 

I cultivated a new narrative.

I loved on my self, I stopped rubbing dirt blindly, and asked “How can I honor you?”

It started to unfold. My heart started to unravel. 

I found safety within.

I found strength within.

I found resolve within.

And when I was able to claim my heart like a motherfucking Queen.

I was able to surrender it to a King.

Because it starts with me.

Today I find my self in a marriage with him, and no matter what we are doing, which direction we are going, I can capture his gaze for a moment.

And there he is, eyes alight, looking at me, right here, right now.

He has a twinkle, this is new.

It’s like he knows a secret.

And he does.

And I gaze back, with the same twinkle.

And in that moment we know.

We are right here.

Together.

Sharing this moment.

As we have across countless moments in this timeline and others.

This isn’t our first trip together.

We find this moment together,

and we just know.

The gratitude in having just one of these moments, causes tears to form and roll down my cheeks, waves ripple across my being, my heart expands into the horizon.

That’s the gratitude I feel for just one moment.

Imagine a lifetime committed to these moments?

It is what I desire.

And it requires the work, the tenacity, it requires me demanding of myself and him, it requires tenacity, and perseverance.

It requires RELENTLESSNESS!

And I’m here for it.

It starts with me. It starts with him.

What and who is the Conscious Queen?

Welcome to my first blog as the Conscious Queen! In the midst of re-branding and sorting out the minutiae of what I want to offer, I wanted to provide you with this short and sweet blog to help you understand the up-level and upgrade that’s happening in the realm of Cavewoman, and how a tiara has been added to her beautiful spirit. Enjoy!

What and who is the Conscious Queen to me? 

I’ve spoke and wrote about “Queening” for quite awhile now in social media. 

When I was younger I had a bit of a flare. I remember my parent’s calling me an exhibitionist.

As I’ve gained awareness, I see why. I see the inner child that just wanted to be seen. The one that wanted to make everyone laugh and have everyone feel accepted and loved, because all I wanted was to be accepted and loved.

And as I grow deeper into expressing my self, this is what I feel is true:

Queening isn’t about showing off, it’s not even about being seen. It’s not about being an exhibitionist (although I do enjoy that *wink*).

Queening is about looking deep within and owning who you are.

Queening is about saying, this is me, and being completely unapologetic about it.

Queening is about standing up for what is right, serving, helping those who can’t help themselves, and not taking shit from anybody.

Queening is about opening your self to be the biggest, baddest, most kickass version of who you could possibly be in this world.

It’s not a character trait. Those are conditions. Queening is a motherfucking choice. It’s about standing up, and delivering the gifts you have no matter what someone else thinks.

There’s no ego. It’s not about who you think you are. It’s not about what everyone else told you to be. It’s about opening your self to the possibility that you could be anything. Even a motherfucking Queen.

So let’s look at my definition: 

“Queening” verb meaning to queen, to exhibit and inhabit the qualities of a queen, to be the female who rules her own independence, to be regarded as excellent or outstanding by self, to be a woman who has been chosen by her self to rule and govern her self as her highest self, a woman who chooses her self as the most important person in her realm.•

Queening is the active choice you make to embody and hold your self with the highest regard. Don’t confuse this with arrogance. Be a humble queen, a humane queen, a compassionate queen – but be certain of this: queening is about knowing your value, walking in that value, and sitting in the resolve of that always in all ways.•

You are a queen. Walk in that. The world needs more queening. The world needs the highest version of your self. Your kind ruler and your fiercely compassionate soul. How do you queen in your day to day life?

Soul’s Song

One year ago today my Daddy took his last breath in and exhaled for his final time on this planet. I recently heard a song and was transported on a journey across a lifetime that didn’t belong to me. These words were an attempt to capture what I felt, and saw, and the impact it had on me… If you feel moved, share with me my loves. Here’s to you Dad. May your soul’s song ring out through the generations of my family.

Have you ever heard a song and it transported you to another time and space…

Have you ever heard a single note, on the right instrument, and it does the same…

With one breath, one note, the energy of another life is called into consciousness.

In one note, I’m transferred back to a life I never lived, in a place I’ve never been.

One note, to awaken and capture the essence of what one life is made of.

One note. 

On the harmonica.

And I’m transported…

TO a wild, rugged, northern town…

I see a boy, with white blonde hair, and knowing eyes…
White t-shirt, and brown shorts…
He’s alone, and he’s absently walking down an empty street, 
Lost in thought, or a memory,
Of who he just might be.
Of a feeling that goes infinitely beyond the smallness of meager words. 

He blows into his harmonica and a single note is sung. 

The tender little soul that lives within him, translated onto the scale of the musical spectrum, ringing out for all to hear,
his gentle soul’s song..

The roads are dirt, the mountains rise, and he is immersed in a life surrounded by and connected to NATURE.

He wanders down this street, breathing his song into his harmonica…

And as the years pass, that dirt morphs to concrete, 
His shoes grow bigger, and he walks still, 
Blowing his spirit through the instrument of his expression, 
Letting the trees know, he’s singing with them.
Letting the grass and the dirt, and the flowers around, hear his own sweet melody. 

His layer of sound added to the cacaphony of it All…

I see him growing into a man, and dancing around with his kids, 
Still breathing his life through the notes of his harmonica. 

I see him sitting quietly on the organ bench, trying to find the right notes, to translate the symphony that lives within.

I see him with light and mischief in his eyes, dancing around with joy, exuberant notes of playfulness dancing through his harmonica…chasing us with glee.

I see him waking me early in the morning with joyful notes of “It’s morning. Get up. It’s time to greet the day.”

I see him growing older…

I see him sitting confused at the kitchen table. 
Where is he going? 
Where has he been?
Where is he at?
What was that…..

Absentmindedly, his hand reaches for his instrument, 
His thumb rubs the side of it, back and forth, back and forth, 
What was he thinking? 

He places it to his lips…an endless effort to have his soul’s song sung…

I see him slowly forgetting who I am. 

I see him searching for the meaning of my name, or the recognition of who I might be. 
Absently smiling as if in remembrance of something fond. 
A recognition that his brain cannot understand, and yet a recognition nonetheless. 
A recognition that doesn’t understand names, or titles,
A recognition that goes beyond the invention of words,
A recognition of an energy, despite not recognizing his place in this world. 
His place in his body.
His place in his mind. 

And his hand still reaches for his harmonica.
Transcending all the confusion, and all the expressions of who he has now become,
As he is robbed of presence, understanding, communication, identity…
Transcending all of this, he blows his spirit through his harmonica…
His soul’s song, still singing to the seasons.

One note.

And I’m transported back to that little boy in the dirt road.

“Warren….”

“Warren….”

“Warren….”

One note. And a ripple of a life I’ve never lived, moves through my entire body. 

From small child, to old man.
Still blowing the song of his soul. 
Through his harmonica.

A single note…
A single note to remember an entire life. 
A single note, to show that spirit transcends all that we know.
All that we can be aware of. 

And as that note rings out, and travels beyond where we can hear, it still rings out.
Somewhere far. Somewhere near.
And I feel that note awaken the memory of a man who watched over me in the physical, and now in the spiritual.

I feel an entire lifetime in a single note.
I re-member an entire lifetime.

In a single note.

Does Evil Exist?

Evil is a myth.
Evil is a myth…without fear.
There is no good and bad. 
Only the lens that we see all things through. 
And fear is the lens that breeds the apparition of evil.

They say the shadow aspect is the thing you are afraid is true about you.

For me, that would be that I’m a failure, a disappointment, a burden, and worthless….
And it makes me feel somewhat shameful to even admit that, but it is simply my truth as I see it.
I am fearful of being those things.

Imagine if you have a much darker fear. 
What is the darkest fear you could imagine? 
Maybe you fear that you are indeed evil incarnate?
Which, if I’m going to be honest, the worst thing religion ever did was create a fear that we were somehow undeserving, unpure, and evil beings that deserved the wrath of “GOD!”

As if God is something that remains outside of us, 
A thing that we need to please and behave for in order to garner acceptance and ascension into the heavens above.

So, if you are raised in a home where your choices, and your natural state of being, is constantly condemned by the belief system your parent’s subscribe to, what kind of shadow do you think you would develop?
If you love sex, and premarital sex is condemned by your religion, every time you engage in that act, your shadow is empowered.
The fear that maybe you are evil, that you are undeserving of love, is fueled.
Even though, the thing you are doing, isn’t bad, or wrong, or disgusting, it’s actually quite the opposite: beautiful, divine, love. 
And yet the belief system creates this disconnect. 

If you are afraid that you are evil, imagine how that can manifest, and be fueled by even the most beautiful experiences?
This is partly why I’m not so sure evil really exists.
The only thing that exists is our fear.
And I could make an argument that that doesn’t exist either.
Merely False Evidence Appearing Real…
And our fear is what empowers or disempowers everything.
If we are afraid we may be something, and that goes unchecked by the conscious mind, we very well may become what we fear.
Where thoughts go, energy flows.

BUT, if we can be conscious and see that fear lurking in the shadows, we have an opportunity.
First we have the opportunity to call it out and disempower it,
Then we have the opportunity to cultivate courage in the face of a shadow that we can’t quite see, that is embodied WITH our fear and nothing else.
And then we have the opportunity to shine a light into the shadows. 
The more we cast light onto our fears of what we “MIGHT” be, the more we realize that the fear is simply bred from a misunderstanding.

The evil we think exists, is simply our misunderstanding of something that we fuel with our own fear.

And many misunderstandings are cultivated by many different things – whether society, culture, religion, lack of education, but ultimately lack of awareness and consciousness brought on by all of those things. 

I would venture to guess that almost all misunderstandings, fear, and conjured up evil is present because we have simply been disconnected from one universal truth. 
You are the divine.
Which means you can only be the thing you fear, based on your beliefs and choices. 
It comes down to choice.

Do you choose to believe you are that shadow? 
Do you choose to believe that fear that is hiding in the depths of the darkness?

Or do you realize that the shadow doesn’t even exist without your being and the light that shines to illuminate you into vision? 

Do you realize the shadow is powerless without you? 
Which means it feeds off of you.
It cannot survive without you.

So, do you choose to feed it with your fears, and let it grow into the beast that will rule you?  
Or do you choose to shine light toward it, and invite that shadow to follow your lead? 

The shadow is not meant to be heavy. 
It is not meant to be dense and weigh you down. 
But when we feed it with fear it becomes more and more dense, and we move through the world slower, with less lightness and joy.
We are completing everything while dragging an immense weight behind us. 

The shadow is not meant to hold us back. 
If anything, the shadow is able to show us which direction the light is. 
It does this by following us.

If we are walking towards the light, our shadow is behind us.
If we are walking towards the shadow, we are walking away from the light.
The same goes for your internal shadow,
Walk towards the light and let it help guide you there.

It can be your north star. 
It is not meant to hold you back, 
It’s meant to guide.
Walk toward the light my friend.

What shadows are you facing or being guided by? Let me know in the comments.

Future Self Journaling: a 90 day recap on the best tool for self development you’re NOT using.

I have never journaled regularly, at least not in the sense that many people do. When I competed professionally I kept a training journal, and I religiously tracked my sets, reps, intensities, and any important cues that I needed to remember, or that were particularly helpful. But I have never been one to reflect on “Me” regularly in writing form. 

Over the years I have attempted to journal. I had an understanding that it was important. Even if I wasn’t quite so sure, “why?” The journal I am currently using (and have almost filled), was in fact purchased in 2013. I purchased this journal and a beautiful pen to compliment it six years ago, with the intention of starting a gratitude journal. The idea was that I would write half a page about things I was currently grateful for, and things in the future I’d like to be have and be thankful for, or things I’d like to call into my life. 

I understand the power of gratitude, and having been on the path of self development for as long as I can remember, I understood the concept of being thankful for the life you have yet to receive. And yet….I STILL didn’t commit to a daily practice with it. 

You are ready, when you are ready.

Okay, so why was I ready now? I started future self journaling approximately 90 days ago, and I was in a place of extreme hurt and confusion. It was, what I have come to realize as, an emotional rock bottom. The kind of rock bottom that causes you to question everything, an ego death of sorts. 

It’s odd to be in an emotional rock bottom, and be able to still see the amazingness you have in your life. Part of your being is aching with a deep sense of profound loss and uncertainty, and yet here are my beautiful children, smiling and loving me, and here is my loving and supportive husband, holding and cherishing me. 

It’s a bit of a mind fuck. Something the mind is well versed in doing. Often the inmates or our mind are running the prison. The inmates being our thoughts…and it is with conscious awareness that we are able to regain control as the Warden.

Reflecting back on where I was 90 days ago, I think I can accurately say that an older version of me may have felt undeserving of the amazingness (family) in the face of my ego death. The old me of a few years ago, would have entered into a pit of self loathing, self blaming, and self shaming…believing that I was not worthy of the beauty I had. I’m a recovering addict when it comes to these patterns, and I won’t lie about this time: I kicked the shit out of that old storyline. And I 100% believe that my Future Self Journaling was a part of that success.

Many months ago, I started following an account on instagram called The Holistic Psychologist. At the time she had a small following, which I’ve watched balloon to over 700k followers. It has been remarkable, and beautiful, and seriously inspiring to observe…and not because of her following and numbers. It’s amazing to me because what it means to me, is that there are so many people out there, hungry for her message. There are so many people out there waking up, taking the red pill, unplugging…  There are so many people that are starting to put the inmates back where they belong and step into the role of the Warden of their minds…

This makes me very hopeful for the future. Not just my own. All of ours.

The Holistic Psychologist (aka Dr. Nicole LaPera) has something she calls Future Self Journaling. It reminds me, and has pieces of other practices, that I have attempted over the years, and never really committed to. When I was in my dark place, I knew I needed to do something in order to piece my self back together…I needed to take care of me. Consciously. And effectively. 

I read this beautifully written article by Dr. Cedrus Monte (https://bit.ly/31ByltC) and she spoke of the toxic environments at the ocean floor where you would think life would be impossible, these places where the plates of our earth meet, and vents of gas and heat expel toxic chemicals into the dark, deep, immensely pressurized ocean floor. No life should be present, and yet….. life is reborn. New species, new life, new discoveries…

A seemingly death zone, flourishes with new life…

This is a beautiful metaphor for the tough times in life. The times when we hit those rock bottoms. What is the lesson here? What new life can come out of this? And I am certain this is one of the most beautiful experiences of our human lives. These moments are the opportunities that we can show up in a greater capacity than we have in the past.  They are the moments where pressure turns coal into diamonds, the moments where we see our selves fully, and hold our own hands to bring about the new life that we must choose and move forward in, in order to become our greatest gift to this world…our highest selves influences the highest good.

As Leonard Cohen said, “there is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s where the light gets in.” 

I have often thought this way, and I have not so often moved this way with any grace or ease. And this time, I think I just may have. 

I am the most compassionate, most understanding, and most loving version of my self, right now. And I owe that to many things across my life, but my ability to move this way has been massively impacted in the last 90 days due to my commitment to future self journaling. 

Rephrase: my ability to move this way has been massively impacted in the last 90 days due to my commitment to show up for my self. It’s the same thing my loves. 

So, how does following a few prompts each day create massive change? I often wondered this, I understood, I believed that journaling mattered, and I didn’t know why. Why? Why does writing down some shit in a book matter? I get it, all the smart people say it, so I believe it, but whyyyyyyy???

Well, I think there are a number of reasons why, and here is what I found (if you’re not familiar with Future Self Journaling then follow this link and signup for the email list where you will receive the PDF for future self journaling: https://yourholisticpsychologist.com). Reviewing this document may, or may not, give context to the following information. 

Here are my tips, tricks, and takeaways from my last 90 days!

  1. I stuck with one way of being that I wanted to change for 49 days straight when I first started. If you’re a “law of attraction” lover, it seems counterintuitive to think of the thing you want to change, but the truth of the matter is, when you “call out” your self on what you don’t want, and then you follow that with prompts relating to what you do want, it gives your brain an opportunity to create AWARENESS and see the gap. Does that make sense? If I don’t want to be angry, and I state that intention to the universe, to self, and then I follow that with journaling about what my future self does and is, then I am conditioning my self to know what it is like to be more skillful in my anger. because it will still happen, make peace with that, and I desire to to move that through with greater grace and ease.
  2. Once you’ve created the awareness, a gap appears. The gap is that moment where you experience the emotion or thing you want to change, and instead of running your old programming, there’s a momentary gap – like a choose your own adventure novel! You’ve been following one storyline your whole life (trigger, react, repeat), and now all of a sudden you’re in a choose your own adventure book. You can see there is a different way of being, there’s another option. The gap creates a moment for you to make a choice, to follow a new path, to create a new you, to move with that grace and ease. To create that peace. TO HEAL.  
  3. By journalling daily, by being intentional, it’s like a momentary connection with conscious awareness. Often when I leave my journaling until the end of the day, I notice the day was possibly more chaotic or out of hand. Every thing is more chaotic and out of hand when I am not present because I am merely reacting. There’s no gap to RESPOND, rather I REACT. Creating a practice of daily presence, reminds me to be present daily. 
  4. Gratitude is part of the daily journaling. So, I have fulfilled my journal’s initial raison d’etre, albeit six years later. Haha…hey, better late than never. A note on gratitude – be so very present with it. What is in your heart? What is something simple you could be grateful for? Or, conversely, what is the hardest thing in your life you could have gratitude for, if you choose to?
  5. When I would write about my future self, I would continually grow the story with more detail (when I had the time) to really live in what it would be like to be that version of my self. To really imagine the scenarios when I could show up as this more equipped person in my challenging moments. My future self is a badass. I’ve really given her a lot of cool talents. It’s likely why I love journaling so much, to remember with more clarity of who she is. To reconnect with her. And what’s really cool, is sometimes I catch my self whispering old untruths, and my future self pops up and questions the old storyline. She comforts me. She reminds me of the truth. She reminds me that in THIS MOMENT, it is always my CHOICE to listen to the old stories, or create and believe and implement new stories. 
  6. I would also attempt to fully embody the emotions what it would feel like to be my future self. The joy and the gratitude of showing up for my self. The relief of breaking these patterns that are harmful to me, and stop ME from showing up and giving this world my gifts. I paint the picture of what that would be like. The mind does not know the difference between imagination and reality. This is the foundation behind visualization and sport. So, as the Warden of your mind, create a story, a future, for your inmates to believe in, to help them rehabilitate. To show them the path toward healing. To show them all you are truly capable of.
  7. When you start, you will undoubtedly miss a couple days. A brief story: when I retired from Athletics and became a mother, I found less time to workout. I would write a program (I have a background in Strength and Conditioning) and as a recovering perfectionist, I would miss a day, and subsequently render my whole program “fucked.” I found this wasn’t working for me. So, I gave my self grace. I realized I needed more flexibility, and less judgement, if I wanted to be successful in my training. I eased up on my strictness around certain things, and I found my way to my workouts much more easily. The JUDGEMENT of missing a workout, was holding me back from my goals, far more than my discipline or commitment level.  So, in service to my self, I adapted a program to a mom of two, became more realistic on goals, and decided I am a good person, who is committed, and ALSO sometimes shit happens. I have completed 90 days of future self journaling, and of the last 60-75ish, I have not missed a day. But within the first 2 weeks, I’m sure I missed a day here and there. Pro tip: quit judging if you miss, keep your day count rolling, and give your self grace in the first 30 days. If you only have time for five minutes, pull out your journal, or a scrap piece of paper, and write down one thing you’re thankful for. It doesn’t always have to be big and elaborate. Showing up IS ENOUGH!  
  8. Celebrate! As Joseph McClendon III says, “praise makes the world go round.” As the Gottman Institute has said, marriages where we positively affirm and thank our partners in a greater than 5:1 ratio, have the greatest rates of success. You are relating with you! Love your self, give your self a hug, thank your self every time you catch a gap. Every time you are consistent. Every time you show up for your self. Learn to praise your self for the little things you do each day to change that dialogue. If you’re anything like me, I am much more inclined to see how I could have done better, rather than celebrate the fuck out of my self for journaling daily. And guess what? I’m seeing big changes, and I’m so proud of ME! (I just hugged my self. Now give your self a hug. I’ll wait before I go on.) 
  9. If you don’t know what you’re doing, that’s okay. It really is. Embrace the discomfort. There is no right way, or wrong way. Re-reading the prompts in the PDF, I see ways I have NOT completely followed the prompts…whoops! And guess what? I still have gotten massive value out of this. There is no test on this at the end of the day. But at the end of this life, if you show up consistently for you, you’ll get to close your eyes and be with someone you really trust and love. Isn’t that enough?
     
  10. Start. Just start. Right now. There is over 700k people that want to, or have started this too. And we all want each other to win. I want you to win. I want the best version of you in this world. So start. Your gifts deserve to be realized and shared. 

Well, that’s what I got! I’m sure I missed several things, and I’m also sure that it doesn’t matter. Future self journaling is a tool that is a must in my toolbox. I have a few tools that are non-negotiable, and this is now one of them. 

If you have found this post, I’m guessing it’s because you are pursuing better. You are pursuing a better version of your self, a better way of being. You are waking up, and you are realizing that you have more. More love. More gifts. More power. More treasure that has yet to be found. The future self journal will absolutely help you mine that treasure. 

When I think about my future self (the final prompt in the PDF), I get emotional. I truly do. To hold my self so kindly. To love my self so tenderly. What a gift to give my self. And that will flow to everyone that I encounter. I pray that you feel that tenderness and kindness flowing to YOU right now. 

When I think about my future self, I used to feel relief. I felt a bit like I was drowning, and my future self was in the distance throwing me the life raft. And now when I think about her, I just feel so much joy and gratitude…it overwhelms me.

As I write these words, I feel the tears run down my cheeks. It’s silly, and yet, it’s so fucking beautiful. This life we get to live, this journey that we are on…  I’m just so filled with joy and gratitude. 

Thank you Dr. Nicole. And thank you to anyone and everyone that took the time to read this. 


Share with me the tools in your toolbox, I love hearing how others are on their own pursuit, their own path…

Spark Joy

Life is a but a spark.

A spark is defined as a small fiery particle thrown off from a fire, alight in ashes, or produced by striking together two hard surfaces such as stone or metal.

A tiny fiery particle that under the right circumstances can light an entire forest afire. 
Creating massive destruction and change.
An opportunity for grandiose rebirth.
Or, a tiny fiery particle that could go unnoticed and extinguish before catching anything alight…

When have sparks occurred in your life?
Often it is the “hard” moments in life that create the spark.
We smash into resistance emotionally, mentally, physically, and the force of the smash creates a spark and a subsequent opportunity for change.
And it is our awareness and attitudes that really influence whether that change ever happens.

A small fiery particle thrown off from the fire.
The fire that is you. Do you fan the spark into magic and opportunity?
Or do you let it fizzle and die?
You’re the fire.
You are a ball of energy that happens to also have some matter.
And IF we’re paying attention we CAN see the sparks that are happening all of the time.

A spark is SMALL.
So if the spark happens and we miss it, it can’t become a wildfire.
If our awareness isn’t tuned in, we miss the opportunity to take advantage and fan the flames of rebirth.

Maybe we’re not looking, maybe we’re asleep at the wheel, maybe we are blinded by fear, maybe we don’t want to believe, or maybe we are too preoccupied with our “curses” and victimhood, that instead of recognizing the resistance that we smashed into as a blessing, that hasn’t fully manifested yet, we forsake it.

It’s hindsight that has really shown me where sparks have occurred in my life that sent me on paths of choice, change, and self discovery.

Right now, I can look back and I can see sparks all along the way, like bread crumbs leading back to my old self, a past life…
I have no intention on following them back, but maybe someone else will find the crumbs and it will help them find their way.

When the spark happens it is sometimes too small to even see.
You can’t really appreciate the significance of the spark, until you look back.
At the time, it was insignificant, something small maybe.
Maybe it’s something cataclysmic, and that cataclysmic thing sparked an offshoot to your life that couldn’t be fully understood at the time.
It’s often something that’s maybe interestingly timed, or super random in a beautiful kind of way.
Or it comes from the right messenger, who has maybe delivered other messages over the years that have sparked good things in your life.

And honestly, if we want to get more granular, that is how the Universe works.
In mysterious and clever ways.
In unexpected ways it will deliver your desires and manifestations, it is our disconnected selves that get tied to how we think it should be delivered.
But if we let all that go, and are open to receiving all the gifts, express gratitude, amazingly interesting sparks occur that can set beautiful wheels into motion.
Can you be aware enough to fan the flames of that spark?

I look back and I see so many sparks.
Or maybe it was just one spark that caught one blade of grass, and then hopped to the next, and the next, until it reached a tree, and the tree went up in flames, and caught the next tree.
All events relating to the last. 

Maybe the spark heads off into a new direction on one side, and presses forward in another. 

It’s really our choice to fan the flames of whatever it is that comes our way,
And we can only do that with gratitude and surrender in our hearts. 
The fire is happening whether or not you want it to.
You can spend your time trying to put it out, or you can steer it mindfully to your advantage.

What is a spark in your life that you didn’t realize was a blessing? 

Anger Management

I SCREAM at the top of my lungs.
The sound frightens me.
Am I losing my mind?
It feels as though I am…
But I must SCREAM!
I must say something!
Because I never did when I had the chance…

This trigger hurts. 
It hurts so much.
I feel an immediate fight or flight response kick in.
The wash of chemicals floods my body, 
And I’m taken right back to the first time I felt this, the first time I experienced this chemical bath.

I’m triggered. 
Triggered badly.

And I’m enraged.
I want to rip someone’s fucking face off.
I want to beat the shit out of someone.
I want to scream all the words that I never said right in their big, fat, face.

Anger.
You have consumed me in this moment. 
I am not a witness, I am not an observer, 
I have indeed become you….

Have I learned nothing?
And yet I have, because typically what I would have done is not said a word.
Not a whimper, let alone a guttural SCREAM!

I would have sat in my juicy cocktail of chemical messengers and let them eat away at me…literally.
Just a head’s up, when you experience a fight or flight response, it gets you ready for said fight, or said flight, and your body dumps amino acids from muscle into your system for fast fuel…
So, your stress response is breaking down your muscle, making you fatter, by eating away at your precious lean mass…
Ain’t nobody got time for that.

You would be better off to fight, and or fly, to use the fuel and use the chemical messengers that were just dumped into your system…
You’d be healthier if you did too…

But we don’t.
We experience triggers, wrong doings, upsetting events, and we simply sit in them, we say nothing, we do nothing, and we experience a massive internal shift that is fucking horrible for our health, wellness, and general level of peace and comfort.

So instead, I SCREAM.
I roar like a fucking lion, 
Sometimes I run. 
I run fast and hard, and use up some of the chemical goodies that are ransacking my sanity.

I SCREAM, and I scare my self.
And I wonder if I’m losing my mind.
And guess what?

I’m not.
I’m fucking not.

I’m the most sane I’ve ever been.
And nothing, no one, will allow me to question my reality. 
I am done ignoring that little voice within me that says “no,” “this doesn’t feel right,” “something isn’t lining up.” 

That voice is me, and I will honor her. 
I will not take someone’s words, and lack of action, over my own KNOWING.
NEVER AGAIN.

So I SCREAM. 
I am enraged.

Do you see how I did that? 
I became my emotion…
And guess what?
It’s not true.
I am not my emotions.
I am not my feelings, my thoughts, my opinions, my body.
I am something much deeper.
And so are you.

And yet, do you notice we experience an emotion, and we create a story, a dialogue around them…
I experience anger, so I label my self angry.
I experience sadness, so I label my self sad…
It’s not true. 
These are merely emotions, energy in motion, within your body, that you have now claimed and spoken into existence as being YOU.

NOT TRUE.
Simply,
NOT TRUE!

You are not anger, you are experiencing anger.
It is a flash in the pan emotion that has enveloped you after a trigger. 

So, I SCREAM. 
I try to move it through. 
Energy in motion.
I run. 
I dance my fucking heart out, because it must go somewhere, it must move through.
I must fight or flight or freestyle dance…
In a modern world, free styling is the most acceptable.

It’s interesting to see it unfold. 
I have been on a journey of self discovery, and I have learned a multitude of skills, and I have often noted my challenges around anger.
Not that I feel overly angry, just that I have a hard time witnessing and observing it when it comes up. 
I can communicate and observe other emotions much easier, but ANGER….fuck me, 
I hop into that bitch and own it, when I experience it. 
I become it. 
I am flooded. 

Until recently…

I read.
A lot.
I am on a quest.
A quest to fucking own this life. 
A quest that will take me to the depths of who I am, only to lift me higher than I have ever known.
That kind of quest. 
The kind of quest that tales are written about….even if those tales are only ever written by me.
And while on this quest, I read. I observe. I dig. I dive. I investigate. I contemplate. 
All of the above.

And while I read, I compile lists.
Lists within my brain. 
Lists relating to the things that matter.
The tools I need.
The skills I need.
Lists that help me know what to do and when to do it…
File folder, upon file folder.
The file on ANGER is deep.

I have big powerful energy within me…
BIG. POWERFUL. ENERGY.
I feel it so overwhelmingly sometimes,
Usually in a positive way, 
Until it’s not positive, and I experience what I’m talking about here, after a deeply challenging trigger.


AND. I. SCREAM. 

So, what have I read? 
How are these lists and cerebral file folders helping me…
Well, I haven’t screamed in awhile…lol
And this is what I notice…

Anger is the tip of the iceberg, often.
Anger is the thing you see, the emotion you experience. 
And it is often not indicative of the much bigger problem beneath the surface of the water.
Yes, anger can be experienced all on it’s own, but often for me, it’s only the tip of the iceberg…
So what is beneath the surface? 
How do I uncover that?
What is the rest of the iceberg that I have not been able to see?

Hmmm…..

I’m triggered. And I SCREAM!
And now I apply. 
What have I learned? 

What would the master do crystal? 
The master would not choose anger. 
The master would witness anger, and not choose it. 
There is a better way of being my love.

Why are you angry my love?
I replay the trigger,
I replay the event,
I replay the words, 
I replay the trigger.
I look deeper.
I look below the surface.
Why are you angry my love?

The answer:
Because I am hurt.
I am so deeply, deeply hurt….

And there it is.

I am hurting. 
I am hurting so very deeply.
At my core. 
I am bleeding out, 
And anger is the tourniquet I attempt to use to tie this off to prevent further blood loss.

We all have our own ways of dealing with things, emotions, circumstances…
I implore you to dig into your coping strategies, because they often don’t serve you or your purpose.

What is it you want crystal?
I desire to be the master.
I desire to love and honor myself.
I desire to move through my emotions, and this life, with grace, flow, ease, and peace. 

And to do that, I must look below the surface at the HURT that I don’t necessarily want to feel, or know how to feel, or know how to express.

This piece of me has been protected by my EGO for a very long time. 
She’s been doing a masterful job of protecting me from that hurt.
She is wise, and cunning, and unnecessary…now.

It’s easy to get angry and put it on someone else,
And often, that anger you hold towards someone is valid,
And AGAIN, what would the master do? 
Anger does NOT serve the master.
And it doesn’t serve me, my purpose, my desires. 
It doesn’t serve how I desire to move through this life. 

So, I see you anger.
And I may SCREAM you out,
I may scream and then sob a little bit, 
And I may put some music on and dance the fuck out of you, 

And I also see you anger, as that low level bullshit that eats away at my thoughts,
and replays events and words, a neurosis my brain has practiced well.
And again, I ask: 
Why are you angry my love?

Because I am hurting…

I see you below the surface.
I see you hurting. 
I see the child that hid her hurt.
I see the child that hid all her pain, and hurt, and embarrassment, because she didn’t feel safe to express those things. 
AND she did feel safe to express anger. 
A good defense.

Anger was the acceptable, conditioned response, that her EGO conjured up to feel safe. 
To fortify her self.
Her warrior, her inner protector, the one that didn’t let anyone know she was hurting, and instead saved her self by lashing out, 
Because expressing that hurt and being shamed and ridiculed in that was far worse… 

So instead, I choose rage. 
You won’t see me cry. 
You won’t see me hurting. 
You will only see me raging.

Fuck you.
You can’t hurt me. 
I’ll show you…

Except…I was hurting. 

And maybe that worked for me then.
And I can tell you for sure, it hasn’t worked for me as an adult. 
It has kept me quiet about hurtful words that were spoken to me, 
Because I DIDN’T KNOW I was hurt. 
I heard the words, and I felt like a knife was plunged within my heart,
And instead of saying, “that really hurt my feelings,”
Instead of saying, “that was really unkind. And I don’t desire to be spoken to that way.” 
Instead of speaking the hurt, the truth, my TRUTH, to the knife wielder, I covered it up.
I accept the hurt, I take that knife out of my chest, and watch it drip, and I pretend that I’m okay…

It’s merely a flesh wound, I tell myself, and yet pints of blood spill to the floor around me…

Because I’ve been CONDITIONED to not express my hurt.
My truth.
I’ve been conditioned to not be seen. To not be heard in those emotions.
And it makes me FUCKING ANGRY.

Rightfully so.

AND not anymore. 
I’m done dishonoring that child within me that is hurting.
Aren’t you?
I’m done ignoring that truth. 
Aren’t you?
I’m done dishonoring my FUCKING self.
Aren’t you?

She’s way to important to me, to go another breath, without honoring and loving her fully.

C: What would the master do crystal?
c: The master wouldn’t choose anger.
C: And do you want to be the master?
c: Yes.
C: Why are you angry my love?
c: Because I’m hurt. I’m so deeply hurt.

C: I know my love. I know. That really hurt, I felt it too…ouchies……ouchies….ouchies…

The people that hurt you may never have the emotional maturity to hear you.
To see you.
They may NEVER hear you or see you.
They may HAVE NEVER heard or seen you.
No matter how many times you tell them.
No matter how many times you stood/stand in front of them.

Don’t expect them to.
You can still speak your truth to them, 
And please make sure you understand WHY you are doing it.
If you’re doing it for some kind of validation, 
I implore you to re-think your motivation.

Because the thing is, they likely won’t validate your experience. 
They will use your experience to add to their own self loathing, or their own story about who you are through their lens…
Some people will value you enough, 
Some will be awake enough,
and be willing to do the work it takes to investigate this part, 
and some will not.

What do their actions tell you?
What does their history tell you?
You likely already have your answer.

So, I invite you to have a conversation with your self.
Have that heart to heart with you. 
This is how you HONOR your self. 
This is how you HONOR your experience. 

You cannot guarantee that someone else will do this for you.
So you MUST do it for your self.
The people that will do this with you, those are the ones you keep in your present moments.
If someone is continually invalidating and dishonoring you, stop giving them your precious present moments. 
And STOP doing it to your Self. 

I REPEAT: STOP doing it to your SELF.

Your experience is real. 
Your hurt is real.
Don’t blow it off.
Don’t laugh it off.
Just. DON’T.

I SCREAM at the top of my lungs!

C: Are you okay?
c: Yes.
C: Do you feel better? Do you need to scream again?
c: No, I think I’m good.
C: Why are you angry my love?
c: (reflects, looks at what happened, is this anger covering something?) I’m hurt. I’m so deeply hurt.

C: I know my love. I know. That was really painful. Ouchies. Ouchies. Ouchies. 

I am becoming the master. 
I don’t have time for the other shit. 
I just don’t.
I don’t have time for people that don’t honor me.

And that INCLUDES ME. 

And that’s why I’m killing that old version of my self.
I’m killing her by honoring what’s underneath her.
I’m killing her by being kind and asking loving questions.
I’m killing her, so I can put down the sword and move into a world of peace.
I’m killing her. 

And she’s reborn.
She is remembered.
She is reborn the master.
The creator.

Next time you are angry, I simply ask you to ask your SELF this,
Why are you really angry my love?

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