Here’s to kissing you forever. Happy anniversary darling.
I had no idea who I was when I kissed his tender lips ten years ago.
And in my limitation of what I could see of me, I had a limited view of what I could see of him.
We were blind, bound by love, and some kind of blind knowing,
And there was a willingness to see what that could blossom.
I had no idea what I wanted.
Over the years I have grown deeper with me, deeper with him.
I used to feel like I was too demanding.
And with my particular twist, this was really hard to do.
To ask for what you want, to even know what you want.
At some point I realized I wasn’t happy – I didn’t realize how much healing I had to do, I didn’t even realize I had things to heal from.
I grew up with a “rub some dirt on it” conditioning.
But the dirt wasn’t working anymore.
And when I look across the time we have spent together, I have been demanding.
I have been loud.
I have been determined.
I have been a child.
I have been RELENTLESS.
I wanted a marriage I had never seen modeled.
I wanted it to be ours, that we co-created.
I wanted to be deeply seen and heard.
I wanted to feel his attention so keenly focused on me, that I could feel his heart in a single gaze,
that I could feel heat and passion in the gentle touch of an index finger.
I wanted to be in a marriage where I was cherished, and respected, and held tenderly.
I wanted to be a queen to a king.
And you can’t do that if you’re sleepwalking.
You can’t have any of those things with a closed heart, a closed mind, or blind expectations.
You can’t have those things if you’re not willing to see your assumptions (your bullshit), question everything, and then expect it from YOUR SELF first.
You cannot ask your partner to love you deeply, tenderly, sensually, if you aren’t creating an awareness and narrative between you and YOUR SELF first.
I can’t very well speak unkindly within, and expect difference or better, without.
I meditated. I journaled. I wrote about what I wanted.
I cultivated a new narrative.
I loved on my self, I stopped rubbing dirt blindly, and asked “How can I honor you?”
It started to unfold. My heart started to unravel.
I found safety within.
I found strength within.
I found resolve within.
And when I was able to claim my heart like a motherfucking Queen.
I was able to surrender it to a King.
Because it starts with me.
Today I find my self in a marriage with him, and no matter what we are doing, which direction we are going, I can capture his gaze for a moment.
And there he is, eyes alight, looking at me, right here, right now.
He has a twinkle, this is new.
It’s like he knows a secret.
And he does.
And I gaze back, with the same twinkle.
And in that moment we know.
We are right here.
Sharing this moment.
As we have across countless moments in this timeline and others.
This isn’t our first trip together.
We find this moment together,
and we just know.
The gratitude in having just one of these moments, causes tears to form and roll down my cheeks, waves ripple across my being, my heart expands into the horizon.
That’s the gratitude I feel for just one moment.
Imagine a lifetime committed to these moments?
It is what I desire.
And it requires the work, the tenacity, it requires me demanding of myself and him, it requires tenacity, and perseverance.
It requires RELENTLESSNESS!
And I’m here for it.
It starts with me. It starts with him.