What and who is the Conscious Queen?

Welcome to my first blog as the Conscious Queen! In the midst of re-branding and sorting out the minutiae of what I want to offer, I wanted to provide you with this short and sweet blog to help you understand the up-level and upgrade that’s happening in the realm of Cavewoman, and how a tiara has been added to her beautiful spirit. Enjoy!

What and who is the Conscious Queen to me? 

I’ve spoke and wrote about “Queening” for quite awhile now in social media. 

When I was younger I had a bit of a flare. I remember my parent’s calling me an exhibitionist.

As I’ve gained awareness, I see why. I see the inner child that just wanted to be seen. The one that wanted to make everyone laugh and have everyone feel accepted and loved, because all I wanted was to be accepted and loved.

And as I grow deeper into expressing my self, this is what I feel is true:

Queening isn’t about showing off, it’s not even about being seen. It’s not about being an exhibitionist (although I do enjoy that *wink*).

Queening is about looking deep within and owning who you are.

Queening is about saying, this is me, and being completely unapologetic about it.

Queening is about standing up for what is right, serving, helping those who can’t help themselves, and not taking shit from anybody.

Queening is about opening your self to be the biggest, baddest, most kickass version of who you could possibly be in this world.

It’s not a character trait. Those are conditions. Queening is a motherfucking choice. It’s about standing up, and delivering the gifts you have no matter what someone else thinks.

There’s no ego. It’s not about who you think you are. It’s not about what everyone else told you to be. It’s about opening your self to the possibility that you could be anything. Even a motherfucking Queen.

So let’s look at my definition: 

“Queening” verb meaning to queen, to exhibit and inhabit the qualities of a queen, to be the female who rules her own independence, to be regarded as excellent or outstanding by self, to be a woman who has been chosen by her self to rule and govern her self as her highest self, a woman who chooses her self as the most important person in her realm.•

Queening is the active choice you make to embody and hold your self with the highest regard. Don’t confuse this with arrogance. Be a humble queen, a humane queen, a compassionate queen – but be certain of this: queening is about knowing your value, walking in that value, and sitting in the resolve of that always in all ways.•

You are a queen. Walk in that. The world needs more queening. The world needs the highest version of your self. Your kind ruler and your fiercely compassionate soul. How do you queen in your day to day life?

Soul’s Song

One year ago today my Daddy took his last breath in and exhaled for his final time on this planet. I recently heard a song and was transported on a journey across a lifetime that didn’t belong to me. These words were an attempt to capture what I felt, and saw, and the impact it had on me… If you feel moved, share with me my loves. Here’s to you Dad. May your soul’s song ring out through the generations of my family.

Have you ever heard a song and it transported you to another time and space…

Have you ever heard a single note, on the right instrument, and it does the same…

With one breath, one note, the energy of another life is called into consciousness.

In one note, I’m transferred back to a life I never lived, in a place I’ve never been.

One note, to awaken and capture the essence of what one life is made of.

One note. 

On the harmonica.

And I’m transported…

TO a wild, rugged, northern town…

I see a boy, with white blonde hair, and knowing eyes…
White t-shirt, and brown shorts…
He’s alone, and he’s absently walking down an empty street, 
Lost in thought, or a memory,
Of who he just might be.
Of a feeling that goes infinitely beyond the smallness of meager words. 

He blows into his harmonica and a single note is sung. 

The tender little soul that lives within him, translated onto the scale of the musical spectrum, ringing out for all to hear,
his gentle soul’s song..

The roads are dirt, the mountains rise, and he is immersed in a life surrounded by and connected to NATURE.

He wanders down this street, breathing his song into his harmonica…

And as the years pass, that dirt morphs to concrete, 
His shoes grow bigger, and he walks still, 
Blowing his spirit through the instrument of his expression, 
Letting the trees know, he’s singing with them.
Letting the grass and the dirt, and the flowers around, hear his own sweet melody. 

His layer of sound added to the cacaphony of it All…

I see him growing into a man, and dancing around with his kids, 
Still breathing his life through the notes of his harmonica. 

I see him sitting quietly on the organ bench, trying to find the right notes, to translate the symphony that lives within.

I see him with light and mischief in his eyes, dancing around with joy, exuberant notes of playfulness dancing through his harmonica…chasing us with glee.

I see him waking me early in the morning with joyful notes of “It’s morning. Get up. It’s time to greet the day.”

I see him growing older…

I see him sitting confused at the kitchen table. 
Where is he going? 
Where has he been?
Where is he at?
What was that…..

Absentmindedly, his hand reaches for his instrument, 
His thumb rubs the side of it, back and forth, back and forth, 
What was he thinking? 

He places it to his lips…an endless effort to have his soul’s song sung…

I see him slowly forgetting who I am. 

I see him searching for the meaning of my name, or the recognition of who I might be. 
Absently smiling as if in remembrance of something fond. 
A recognition that his brain cannot understand, and yet a recognition nonetheless. 
A recognition that doesn’t understand names, or titles,
A recognition that goes beyond the invention of words,
A recognition of an energy, despite not recognizing his place in this world. 
His place in his body.
His place in his mind. 

And his hand still reaches for his harmonica.
Transcending all the confusion, and all the expressions of who he has now become,
As he is robbed of presence, understanding, communication, identity…
Transcending all of this, he blows his spirit through his harmonica…
His soul’s song, still singing to the seasons.

One note.

And I’m transported back to that little boy in the dirt road.

“Warren….”

“Warren….”

“Warren….”

One note. And a ripple of a life I’ve never lived, moves through my entire body. 

From small child, to old man.
Still blowing the song of his soul. 
Through his harmonica.

A single note…
A single note to remember an entire life. 
A single note, to show that spirit transcends all that we know.
All that we can be aware of. 

And as that note rings out, and travels beyond where we can hear, it still rings out.
Somewhere far. Somewhere near.
And I feel that note awaken the memory of a man who watched over me in the physical, and now in the spiritual.

I feel an entire lifetime in a single note.
I re-member an entire lifetime.

In a single note.

Does Evil Exist?

Evil is a myth.
Evil is a myth…without fear.
There is no good and bad. 
Only the lens that we see all things through. 
And fear is the lens that breeds the apparition of evil.

They say the shadow aspect is the thing you are afraid is true about you.

For me, that would be that I’m a failure, a disappointment, a burden, and worthless….
And it makes me feel somewhat shameful to even admit that, but it is simply my truth as I see it.
I am fearful of being those things.

Imagine if you have a much darker fear. 
What is the darkest fear you could imagine? 
Maybe you fear that you are indeed evil incarnate?
Which, if I’m going to be honest, the worst thing religion ever did was create a fear that we were somehow undeserving, unpure, and evil beings that deserved the wrath of “GOD!”

As if God is something that remains outside of us, 
A thing that we need to please and behave for in order to garner acceptance and ascension into the heavens above.

So, if you are raised in a home where your choices, and your natural state of being, is constantly condemned by the belief system your parent’s subscribe to, what kind of shadow do you think you would develop?
If you love sex, and premarital sex is condemned by your religion, every time you engage in that act, your shadow is empowered.
The fear that maybe you are evil, that you are undeserving of love, is fueled.
Even though, the thing you are doing, isn’t bad, or wrong, or disgusting, it’s actually quite the opposite: beautiful, divine, love. 
And yet the belief system creates this disconnect. 

If you are afraid that you are evil, imagine how that can manifest, and be fueled by even the most beautiful experiences?
This is partly why I’m not so sure evil really exists.
The only thing that exists is our fear.
And I could make an argument that that doesn’t exist either.
Merely False Evidence Appearing Real…
And our fear is what empowers or disempowers everything.
If we are afraid we may be something, and that goes unchecked by the conscious mind, we very well may become what we fear.
Where thoughts go, energy flows.

BUT, if we can be conscious and see that fear lurking in the shadows, we have an opportunity.
First we have the opportunity to call it out and disempower it,
Then we have the opportunity to cultivate courage in the face of a shadow that we can’t quite see, that is embodied WITH our fear and nothing else.
And then we have the opportunity to shine a light into the shadows. 
The more we cast light onto our fears of what we “MIGHT” be, the more we realize that the fear is simply bred from a misunderstanding.

The evil we think exists, is simply our misunderstanding of something that we fuel with our own fear.

And many misunderstandings are cultivated by many different things – whether society, culture, religion, lack of education, but ultimately lack of awareness and consciousness brought on by all of those things. 

I would venture to guess that almost all misunderstandings, fear, and conjured up evil is present because we have simply been disconnected from one universal truth. 
You are the divine.
Which means you can only be the thing you fear, based on your beliefs and choices. 
It comes down to choice.

Do you choose to believe you are that shadow? 
Do you choose to believe that fear that is hiding in the depths of the darkness?

Or do you realize that the shadow doesn’t even exist without your being and the light that shines to illuminate you into vision? 

Do you realize the shadow is powerless without you? 
Which means it feeds off of you.
It cannot survive without you.

So, do you choose to feed it with your fears, and let it grow into the beast that will rule you?  
Or do you choose to shine light toward it, and invite that shadow to follow your lead? 

The shadow is not meant to be heavy. 
It is not meant to be dense and weigh you down. 
But when we feed it with fear it becomes more and more dense, and we move through the world slower, with less lightness and joy.
We are completing everything while dragging an immense weight behind us. 

The shadow is not meant to hold us back. 
If anything, the shadow is able to show us which direction the light is. 
It does this by following us.

If we are walking towards the light, our shadow is behind us.
If we are walking towards the shadow, we are walking away from the light.
The same goes for your internal shadow,
Walk towards the light and let it help guide you there.

It can be your north star. 
It is not meant to hold you back, 
It’s meant to guide.
Walk toward the light my friend.

What shadows are you facing or being guided by? Let me know in the comments.

Future Self Journaling: a 90 day recap on the best tool for self development you’re NOT using.

I have never journaled regularly, at least not in the sense that many people do. When I competed professionally I kept a training journal, and I religiously tracked my sets, reps, intensities, and any important cues that I needed to remember, or that were particularly helpful. But I have never been one to reflect on “Me” regularly in writing form. 

Over the years I have attempted to journal. I had an understanding that it was important. Even if I wasn’t quite so sure, “why?” The journal I am currently using (and have almost filled), was in fact purchased in 2013. I purchased this journal and a beautiful pen to compliment it six years ago, with the intention of starting a gratitude journal. The idea was that I would write half a page about things I was currently grateful for, and things in the future I’d like to be have and be thankful for, or things I’d like to call into my life. 

I understand the power of gratitude, and having been on the path of self development for as long as I can remember, I understood the concept of being thankful for the life you have yet to receive. And yet….I STILL didn’t commit to a daily practice with it. 

You are ready, when you are ready.

Okay, so why was I ready now? I started future self journaling approximately 90 days ago, and I was in a place of extreme hurt and confusion. It was, what I have come to realize as, an emotional rock bottom. The kind of rock bottom that causes you to question everything, an ego death of sorts. 

It’s odd to be in an emotional rock bottom, and be able to still see the amazingness you have in your life. Part of your being is aching with a deep sense of profound loss and uncertainty, and yet here are my beautiful children, smiling and loving me, and here is my loving and supportive husband, holding and cherishing me. 

It’s a bit of a mind fuck. Something the mind is well versed in doing. Often the inmates or our mind are running the prison. The inmates being our thoughts…and it is with conscious awareness that we are able to regain control as the Warden.

Reflecting back on where I was 90 days ago, I think I can accurately say that an older version of me may have felt undeserving of the amazingness (family) in the face of my ego death. The old me of a few years ago, would have entered into a pit of self loathing, self blaming, and self shaming…believing that I was not worthy of the beauty I had. I’m a recovering addict when it comes to these patterns, and I won’t lie about this time: I kicked the shit out of that old storyline. And I 100% believe that my Future Self Journaling was a part of that success.

Many months ago, I started following an account on instagram called The Holistic Psychologist. At the time she had a small following, which I’ve watched balloon to over 700k followers. It has been remarkable, and beautiful, and seriously inspiring to observe…and not because of her following and numbers. It’s amazing to me because what it means to me, is that there are so many people out there, hungry for her message. There are so many people out there waking up, taking the red pill, unplugging…  There are so many people that are starting to put the inmates back where they belong and step into the role of the Warden of their minds…

This makes me very hopeful for the future. Not just my own. All of ours.

The Holistic Psychologist (aka Dr. Nicole LaPera) has something she calls Future Self Journaling. It reminds me, and has pieces of other practices, that I have attempted over the years, and never really committed to. When I was in my dark place, I knew I needed to do something in order to piece my self back together…I needed to take care of me. Consciously. And effectively. 

I read this beautifully written article by Dr. Cedrus Monte (https://bit.ly/31ByltC) and she spoke of the toxic environments at the ocean floor where you would think life would be impossible, these places where the plates of our earth meet, and vents of gas and heat expel toxic chemicals into the dark, deep, immensely pressurized ocean floor. No life should be present, and yet….. life is reborn. New species, new life, new discoveries…

A seemingly death zone, flourishes with new life…

This is a beautiful metaphor for the tough times in life. The times when we hit those rock bottoms. What is the lesson here? What new life can come out of this? And I am certain this is one of the most beautiful experiences of our human lives. These moments are the opportunities that we can show up in a greater capacity than we have in the past.  They are the moments where pressure turns coal into diamonds, the moments where we see our selves fully, and hold our own hands to bring about the new life that we must choose and move forward in, in order to become our greatest gift to this world…our highest selves influences the highest good.

As Leonard Cohen said, “there is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s where the light gets in.” 

I have often thought this way, and I have not so often moved this way with any grace or ease. And this time, I think I just may have. 

I am the most compassionate, most understanding, and most loving version of my self, right now. And I owe that to many things across my life, but my ability to move this way has been massively impacted in the last 90 days due to my commitment to future self journaling. 

Rephrase: my ability to move this way has been massively impacted in the last 90 days due to my commitment to show up for my self. It’s the same thing my loves. 

So, how does following a few prompts each day create massive change? I often wondered this, I understood, I believed that journaling mattered, and I didn’t know why. Why? Why does writing down some shit in a book matter? I get it, all the smart people say it, so I believe it, but whyyyyyyy???

Well, I think there are a number of reasons why, and here is what I found (if you’re not familiar with Future Self Journaling then follow this link and signup for the email list where you will receive the PDF for future self journaling: https://yourholisticpsychologist.com). Reviewing this document may, or may not, give context to the following information. 

Here are my tips, tricks, and takeaways from my last 90 days!

  1. I stuck with one way of being that I wanted to change for 49 days straight when I first started. If you’re a “law of attraction” lover, it seems counterintuitive to think of the thing you want to change, but the truth of the matter is, when you “call out” your self on what you don’t want, and then you follow that with prompts relating to what you do want, it gives your brain an opportunity to create AWARENESS and see the gap. Does that make sense? If I don’t want to be angry, and I state that intention to the universe, to self, and then I follow that with journaling about what my future self does and is, then I am conditioning my self to know what it is like to be more skillful in my anger. because it will still happen, make peace with that, and I desire to to move that through with greater grace and ease.
  2. Once you’ve created the awareness, a gap appears. The gap is that moment where you experience the emotion or thing you want to change, and instead of running your old programming, there’s a momentary gap – like a choose your own adventure novel! You’ve been following one storyline your whole life (trigger, react, repeat), and now all of a sudden you’re in a choose your own adventure book. You can see there is a different way of being, there’s another option. The gap creates a moment for you to make a choice, to follow a new path, to create a new you, to move with that grace and ease. To create that peace. TO HEAL.  
  3. By journalling daily, by being intentional, it’s like a momentary connection with conscious awareness. Often when I leave my journaling until the end of the day, I notice the day was possibly more chaotic or out of hand. Every thing is more chaotic and out of hand when I am not present because I am merely reacting. There’s no gap to RESPOND, rather I REACT. Creating a practice of daily presence, reminds me to be present daily. 
  4. Gratitude is part of the daily journaling. So, I have fulfilled my journal’s initial raison d’etre, albeit six years later. Haha…hey, better late than never. A note on gratitude – be so very present with it. What is in your heart? What is something simple you could be grateful for? Or, conversely, what is the hardest thing in your life you could have gratitude for, if you choose to?
  5. When I would write about my future self, I would continually grow the story with more detail (when I had the time) to really live in what it would be like to be that version of my self. To really imagine the scenarios when I could show up as this more equipped person in my challenging moments. My future self is a badass. I’ve really given her a lot of cool talents. It’s likely why I love journaling so much, to remember with more clarity of who she is. To reconnect with her. And what’s really cool, is sometimes I catch my self whispering old untruths, and my future self pops up and questions the old storyline. She comforts me. She reminds me of the truth. She reminds me that in THIS MOMENT, it is always my CHOICE to listen to the old stories, or create and believe and implement new stories. 
  6. I would also attempt to fully embody the emotions what it would feel like to be my future self. The joy and the gratitude of showing up for my self. The relief of breaking these patterns that are harmful to me, and stop ME from showing up and giving this world my gifts. I paint the picture of what that would be like. The mind does not know the difference between imagination and reality. This is the foundation behind visualization and sport. So, as the Warden of your mind, create a story, a future, for your inmates to believe in, to help them rehabilitate. To show them the path toward healing. To show them all you are truly capable of.
  7. When you start, you will undoubtedly miss a couple days. A brief story: when I retired from Athletics and became a mother, I found less time to workout. I would write a program (I have a background in Strength and Conditioning) and as a recovering perfectionist, I would miss a day, and subsequently render my whole program “fucked.” I found this wasn’t working for me. So, I gave my self grace. I realized I needed more flexibility, and less judgement, if I wanted to be successful in my training. I eased up on my strictness around certain things, and I found my way to my workouts much more easily. The JUDGEMENT of missing a workout, was holding me back from my goals, far more than my discipline or commitment level.  So, in service to my self, I adapted a program to a mom of two, became more realistic on goals, and decided I am a good person, who is committed, and ALSO sometimes shit happens. I have completed 90 days of future self journaling, and of the last 60-75ish, I have not missed a day. But within the first 2 weeks, I’m sure I missed a day here and there. Pro tip: quit judging if you miss, keep your day count rolling, and give your self grace in the first 30 days. If you only have time for five minutes, pull out your journal, or a scrap piece of paper, and write down one thing you’re thankful for. It doesn’t always have to be big and elaborate. Showing up IS ENOUGH!  
  8. Celebrate! As Joseph McClendon III says, “praise makes the world go round.” As the Gottman Institute has said, marriages where we positively affirm and thank our partners in a greater than 5:1 ratio, have the greatest rates of success. You are relating with you! Love your self, give your self a hug, thank your self every time you catch a gap. Every time you are consistent. Every time you show up for your self. Learn to praise your self for the little things you do each day to change that dialogue. If you’re anything like me, I am much more inclined to see how I could have done better, rather than celebrate the fuck out of my self for journaling daily. And guess what? I’m seeing big changes, and I’m so proud of ME! (I just hugged my self. Now give your self a hug. I’ll wait before I go on.) 
  9. If you don’t know what you’re doing, that’s okay. It really is. Embrace the discomfort. There is no right way, or wrong way. Re-reading the prompts in the PDF, I see ways I have NOT completely followed the prompts…whoops! And guess what? I still have gotten massive value out of this. There is no test on this at the end of the day. But at the end of this life, if you show up consistently for you, you’ll get to close your eyes and be with someone you really trust and love. Isn’t that enough?
     
  10. Start. Just start. Right now. There is over 700k people that want to, or have started this too. And we all want each other to win. I want you to win. I want the best version of you in this world. So start. Your gifts deserve to be realized and shared. 

Well, that’s what I got! I’m sure I missed several things, and I’m also sure that it doesn’t matter. Future self journaling is a tool that is a must in my toolbox. I have a few tools that are non-negotiable, and this is now one of them. 

If you have found this post, I’m guessing it’s because you are pursuing better. You are pursuing a better version of your self, a better way of being. You are waking up, and you are realizing that you have more. More love. More gifts. More power. More treasure that has yet to be found. The future self journal will absolutely help you mine that treasure. 

When I think about my future self (the final prompt in the PDF), I get emotional. I truly do. To hold my self so kindly. To love my self so tenderly. What a gift to give my self. And that will flow to everyone that I encounter. I pray that you feel that tenderness and kindness flowing to YOU right now. 

When I think about my future self, I used to feel relief. I felt a bit like I was drowning, and my future self was in the distance throwing me the life raft. And now when I think about her, I just feel so much joy and gratitude…it overwhelms me.

As I write these words, I feel the tears run down my cheeks. It’s silly, and yet, it’s so fucking beautiful. This life we get to live, this journey that we are on…  I’m just so filled with joy and gratitude. 

Thank you Dr. Nicole. And thank you to anyone and everyone that took the time to read this. 


Share with me the tools in your toolbox, I love hearing how others are on their own pursuit, their own path…

Spark Joy

Life is a but a spark.

A spark is defined as a small fiery particle thrown off from a fire, alight in ashes, or produced by striking together two hard surfaces such as stone or metal.

A tiny fiery particle that under the right circumstances can light an entire forest afire. 
Creating massive destruction and change.
An opportunity for grandiose rebirth.
Or, a tiny fiery particle that could go unnoticed and extinguish before catching anything alight…

When have sparks occurred in your life?
Often it is the “hard” moments in life that create the spark.
We smash into resistance emotionally, mentally, physically, and the force of the smash creates a spark and a subsequent opportunity for change.
And it is our awareness and attitudes that really influence whether that change ever happens.

A small fiery particle thrown off from the fire.
The fire that is you. Do you fan the spark into magic and opportunity?
Or do you let it fizzle and die?
You’re the fire.
You are a ball of energy that happens to also have some matter.
And IF we’re paying attention we CAN see the sparks that are happening all of the time.

A spark is SMALL.
So if the spark happens and we miss it, it can’t become a wildfire.
If our awareness isn’t tuned in, we miss the opportunity to take advantage and fan the flames of rebirth.

Maybe we’re not looking, maybe we’re asleep at the wheel, maybe we are blinded by fear, maybe we don’t want to believe, or maybe we are too preoccupied with our “curses” and victimhood, that instead of recognizing the resistance that we smashed into as a blessing, that hasn’t fully manifested yet, we forsake it.

It’s hindsight that has really shown me where sparks have occurred in my life that sent me on paths of choice, change, and self discovery.

Right now, I can look back and I can see sparks all along the way, like bread crumbs leading back to my old self, a past life…
I have no intention on following them back, but maybe someone else will find the crumbs and it will help them find their way.

When the spark happens it is sometimes too small to even see.
You can’t really appreciate the significance of the spark, until you look back.
At the time, it was insignificant, something small maybe.
Maybe it’s something cataclysmic, and that cataclysmic thing sparked an offshoot to your life that couldn’t be fully understood at the time.
It’s often something that’s maybe interestingly timed, or super random in a beautiful kind of way.
Or it comes from the right messenger, who has maybe delivered other messages over the years that have sparked good things in your life.

And honestly, if we want to get more granular, that is how the Universe works.
In mysterious and clever ways.
In unexpected ways it will deliver your desires and manifestations, it is our disconnected selves that get tied to how we think it should be delivered.
But if we let all that go, and are open to receiving all the gifts, express gratitude, amazingly interesting sparks occur that can set beautiful wheels into motion.
Can you be aware enough to fan the flames of that spark?

I look back and I see so many sparks.
Or maybe it was just one spark that caught one blade of grass, and then hopped to the next, and the next, until it reached a tree, and the tree went up in flames, and caught the next tree.
All events relating to the last. 

Maybe the spark heads off into a new direction on one side, and presses forward in another. 

It’s really our choice to fan the flames of whatever it is that comes our way,
And we can only do that with gratitude and surrender in our hearts. 
The fire is happening whether or not you want it to.
You can spend your time trying to put it out, or you can steer it mindfully to your advantage.

What is a spark in your life that you didn’t realize was a blessing? 

Anger Management

I SCREAM at the top of my lungs.
The sound frightens me.
Am I losing my mind?
It feels as though I am…
But I must SCREAM!
I must say something!
Because I never did when I had the chance…

This trigger hurts. 
It hurts so much.
I feel an immediate fight or flight response kick in.
The wash of chemicals floods my body, 
And I’m taken right back to the first time I felt this, the first time I experienced this chemical bath.

I’m triggered. 
Triggered badly.

And I’m enraged.
I want to rip someone’s fucking face off.
I want to beat the shit out of someone.
I want to scream all the words that I never said right in their big, fat, face.

Anger.
You have consumed me in this moment. 
I am not a witness, I am not an observer, 
I have indeed become you….

Have I learned nothing?
And yet I have, because typically what I would have done is not said a word.
Not a whimper, let alone a guttural SCREAM!

I would have sat in my juicy cocktail of chemical messengers and let them eat away at me…literally.
Just a head’s up, when you experience a fight or flight response, it gets you ready for said fight, or said flight, and your body dumps amino acids from muscle into your system for fast fuel…
So, your stress response is breaking down your muscle, making you fatter, by eating away at your precious lean mass…
Ain’t nobody got time for that.

You would be better off to fight, and or fly, to use the fuel and use the chemical messengers that were just dumped into your system…
You’d be healthier if you did too…

But we don’t.
We experience triggers, wrong doings, upsetting events, and we simply sit in them, we say nothing, we do nothing, and we experience a massive internal shift that is fucking horrible for our health, wellness, and general level of peace and comfort.

So instead, I SCREAM.
I roar like a fucking lion, 
Sometimes I run. 
I run fast and hard, and use up some of the chemical goodies that are ransacking my sanity.

I SCREAM, and I scare my self.
And I wonder if I’m losing my mind.
And guess what?

I’m not.
I’m fucking not.

I’m the most sane I’ve ever been.
And nothing, no one, will allow me to question my reality. 
I am done ignoring that little voice within me that says “no,” “this doesn’t feel right,” “something isn’t lining up.” 

That voice is me, and I will honor her. 
I will not take someone’s words, and lack of action, over my own KNOWING.
NEVER AGAIN.

So I SCREAM. 
I am enraged.

Do you see how I did that? 
I became my emotion…
And guess what?
It’s not true.
I am not my emotions.
I am not my feelings, my thoughts, my opinions, my body.
I am something much deeper.
And so are you.

And yet, do you notice we experience an emotion, and we create a story, a dialogue around them…
I experience anger, so I label my self angry.
I experience sadness, so I label my self sad…
It’s not true. 
These are merely emotions, energy in motion, within your body, that you have now claimed and spoken into existence as being YOU.

NOT TRUE.
Simply,
NOT TRUE!

You are not anger, you are experiencing anger.
It is a flash in the pan emotion that has enveloped you after a trigger. 

So, I SCREAM. 
I try to move it through. 
Energy in motion.
I run. 
I dance my fucking heart out, because it must go somewhere, it must move through.
I must fight or flight or freestyle dance…
In a modern world, free styling is the most acceptable.

It’s interesting to see it unfold. 
I have been on a journey of self discovery, and I have learned a multitude of skills, and I have often noted my challenges around anger.
Not that I feel overly angry, just that I have a hard time witnessing and observing it when it comes up. 
I can communicate and observe other emotions much easier, but ANGER….fuck me, 
I hop into that bitch and own it, when I experience it. 
I become it. 
I am flooded. 

Until recently…

I read.
A lot.
I am on a quest.
A quest to fucking own this life. 
A quest that will take me to the depths of who I am, only to lift me higher than I have ever known.
That kind of quest. 
The kind of quest that tales are written about….even if those tales are only ever written by me.
And while on this quest, I read. I observe. I dig. I dive. I investigate. I contemplate. 
All of the above.

And while I read, I compile lists.
Lists within my brain. 
Lists relating to the things that matter.
The tools I need.
The skills I need.
Lists that help me know what to do and when to do it…
File folder, upon file folder.
The file on ANGER is deep.

I have big powerful energy within me…
BIG. POWERFUL. ENERGY.
I feel it so overwhelmingly sometimes,
Usually in a positive way, 
Until it’s not positive, and I experience what I’m talking about here, after a deeply challenging trigger.


AND. I. SCREAM. 

So, what have I read? 
How are these lists and cerebral file folders helping me…
Well, I haven’t screamed in awhile…lol
And this is what I notice…

Anger is the tip of the iceberg, often.
Anger is the thing you see, the emotion you experience. 
And it is often not indicative of the much bigger problem beneath the surface of the water.
Yes, anger can be experienced all on it’s own, but often for me, it’s only the tip of the iceberg…
So what is beneath the surface? 
How do I uncover that?
What is the rest of the iceberg that I have not been able to see?

Hmmm…..

I’m triggered. And I SCREAM!
And now I apply. 
What have I learned? 

What would the master do crystal? 
The master would not choose anger. 
The master would witness anger, and not choose it. 
There is a better way of being my love.

Why are you angry my love?
I replay the trigger,
I replay the event,
I replay the words, 
I replay the trigger.
I look deeper.
I look below the surface.
Why are you angry my love?

The answer:
Because I am hurt.
I am so deeply, deeply hurt….

And there it is.

I am hurting. 
I am hurting so very deeply.
At my core. 
I am bleeding out, 
And anger is the tourniquet I attempt to use to tie this off to prevent further blood loss.

We all have our own ways of dealing with things, emotions, circumstances…
I implore you to dig into your coping strategies, because they often don’t serve you or your purpose.

What is it you want crystal?
I desire to be the master.
I desire to love and honor myself.
I desire to move through my emotions, and this life, with grace, flow, ease, and peace. 

And to do that, I must look below the surface at the HURT that I don’t necessarily want to feel, or know how to feel, or know how to express.

This piece of me has been protected by my EGO for a very long time. 
She’s been doing a masterful job of protecting me from that hurt.
She is wise, and cunning, and unnecessary…now.

It’s easy to get angry and put it on someone else,
And often, that anger you hold towards someone is valid,
And AGAIN, what would the master do? 
Anger does NOT serve the master.
And it doesn’t serve me, my purpose, my desires. 
It doesn’t serve how I desire to move through this life. 

So, I see you anger.
And I may SCREAM you out,
I may scream and then sob a little bit, 
And I may put some music on and dance the fuck out of you, 

And I also see you anger, as that low level bullshit that eats away at my thoughts,
and replays events and words, a neurosis my brain has practiced well.
And again, I ask: 
Why are you angry my love?

Because I am hurting…

I see you below the surface.
I see you hurting. 
I see the child that hid her hurt.
I see the child that hid all her pain, and hurt, and embarrassment, because she didn’t feel safe to express those things. 
AND she did feel safe to express anger. 
A good defense.

Anger was the acceptable, conditioned response, that her EGO conjured up to feel safe. 
To fortify her self.
Her warrior, her inner protector, the one that didn’t let anyone know she was hurting, and instead saved her self by lashing out, 
Because expressing that hurt and being shamed and ridiculed in that was far worse… 

So instead, I choose rage. 
You won’t see me cry. 
You won’t see me hurting. 
You will only see me raging.

Fuck you.
You can’t hurt me. 
I’ll show you…

Except…I was hurting. 

And maybe that worked for me then.
And I can tell you for sure, it hasn’t worked for me as an adult. 
It has kept me quiet about hurtful words that were spoken to me, 
Because I DIDN’T KNOW I was hurt. 
I heard the words, and I felt like a knife was plunged within my heart,
And instead of saying, “that really hurt my feelings,”
Instead of saying, “that was really unkind. And I don’t desire to be spoken to that way.” 
Instead of speaking the hurt, the truth, my TRUTH, to the knife wielder, I covered it up.
I accept the hurt, I take that knife out of my chest, and watch it drip, and I pretend that I’m okay…

It’s merely a flesh wound, I tell myself, and yet pints of blood spill to the floor around me…

Because I’ve been CONDITIONED to not express my hurt.
My truth.
I’ve been conditioned to not be seen. To not be heard in those emotions.
And it makes me FUCKING ANGRY.

Rightfully so.

AND not anymore. 
I’m done dishonoring that child within me that is hurting.
Aren’t you?
I’m done ignoring that truth. 
Aren’t you?
I’m done dishonoring my FUCKING self.
Aren’t you?

She’s way to important to me, to go another breath, without honoring and loving her fully.

C: What would the master do crystal?
c: The master wouldn’t choose anger.
C: And do you want to be the master?
c: Yes.
C: Why are you angry my love?
c: Because I’m hurt. I’m so deeply hurt.

C: I know my love. I know. That really hurt, I felt it too…ouchies……ouchies….ouchies…

The people that hurt you may never have the emotional maturity to hear you.
To see you.
They may NEVER hear you or see you.
They may HAVE NEVER heard or seen you.
No matter how many times you tell them.
No matter how many times you stood/stand in front of them.

Don’t expect them to.
You can still speak your truth to them, 
And please make sure you understand WHY you are doing it.
If you’re doing it for some kind of validation, 
I implore you to re-think your motivation.

Because the thing is, they likely won’t validate your experience. 
They will use your experience to add to their own self loathing, or their own story about who you are through their lens…
Some people will value you enough, 
Some will be awake enough,
and be willing to do the work it takes to investigate this part, 
and some will not.

What do their actions tell you?
What does their history tell you?
You likely already have your answer.

So, I invite you to have a conversation with your self.
Have that heart to heart with you. 
This is how you HONOR your self. 
This is how you HONOR your experience. 

You cannot guarantee that someone else will do this for you.
So you MUST do it for your self.
The people that will do this with you, those are the ones you keep in your present moments.
If someone is continually invalidating and dishonoring you, stop giving them your precious present moments. 
And STOP doing it to your Self. 

I REPEAT: STOP doing it to your SELF.

Your experience is real. 
Your hurt is real.
Don’t blow it off.
Don’t laugh it off.
Just. DON’T.

I SCREAM at the top of my lungs!

C: Are you okay?
c: Yes.
C: Do you feel better? Do you need to scream again?
c: No, I think I’m good.
C: Why are you angry my love?
c: (reflects, looks at what happened, is this anger covering something?) I’m hurt. I’m so deeply hurt.

C: I know my love. I know. That was really painful. Ouchies. Ouchies. Ouchies. 

I am becoming the master. 
I don’t have time for the other shit. 
I just don’t.
I don’t have time for people that don’t honor me.

And that INCLUDES ME. 

And that’s why I’m killing that old version of my self.
I’m killing her by honoring what’s underneath her.
I’m killing her by being kind and asking loving questions.
I’m killing her, so I can put down the sword and move into a world of peace.
I’m killing her. 

And she’s reborn.
She is remembered.
She is reborn the master.
The creator.

Next time you are angry, I simply ask you to ask your SELF this,
Why are you really angry my love?

Be the Observer

Does your heart ever ache?
Like there’s a hand that is squeezing tightly around it, restricting the flow,
Constricting, like a cuff that just can’t quite fully expand, and your heart strains against it?
It feels so deep…
Deep down between cells, down to the molecules, to the atoms, to the spaces between them.

Have you ever experienced a loss?
One that penetrates so deeply that you feel it in the spaces between where matter ends and only energy resides,
Ironic….how can it matter if it’s not even matter?

It’s like there is a space where all the pain and sorrow is concentrated.
How can nothing, seemingly nothing, hurt so bad?
Nothing physical at least.
How can an imaginary thing, that no one can see, cause this physical pain?

It’s because it’s not a thing that’s actually hurting us.
It’s not the death or the physical loss,
It’s the energy that that thing exchanged with you.
Whether a job, a relationships, a parent or a friend,
You had energy exchanges
Every time you interacted,
Every time you touched,
Laughed, loved.

Energy is in the space between the atoms, and it’s no surprise that when it comes to matters of the heart, this is where that pain, that sorrow, that grief is felt…

Sorrow is interesting to me.
It’s one of the easiest emotions for me to witness.
When I experience sorrow, it is incredibly powerful.
I feel it deep in that heart space.
And I see it, I see the beauty of it, and adore looking at it.
I caress her cheek gently, and stare directly into her eyes.
Sorrow is what it means to love, to be human, to live in this body…

Sorrow is what it means to have loved.

Other emotions are harder for me to witness.
Most notably anger. Which often pops up to protect my tender heart from the sorrow it feels.
But I admit, that when I feel sorrow, I am masterful at watching it wash over my being and make my whole body ache.
I feel the waves of it crash through every space in my being.
It ripples across all the matter and creates tears that then wash down my face.
Sorrow is a really beautiful thing to witness, and I believe it is the energy exchange we commit to when we experience a loss of love, loved one, or whatever else may have once brought you joy.
Some connection severed.

I’ve had plenty of experience with Sorrow in the past years, specifically this last year.
I lost my father.
A close friend of mine took his life…

And if I’m being honest my friend taking his life was far more sorrowful than the loss of my father.
I believe this to be true because my father’s loss brought him peace,
Although, I’m sure the same is true for my friend…

It was the sudden nature of it….I didn’t have time to prepare.
I had years to prepare with my father.
Years of sorrow to witness.
Years of tears and frustration and anger as he slipped closer and closer towards death.
Conversely, my friend was just gone…never to walk this planet again.

On top of these notable losses, I have had an inner journey that has been challenging and filled with discomfort, and yes….more sorrow.
Difficulty in relationships that make my heart space absolutely ache with sorrow.
My eyes close just at the thought of this pain.
My hand instinctively moves to my chest to rub it in reaction…
It’s powerful to feel this deeply.

I enjoy sorrow.
It is a beautiful emotion to witness.
It reminds us we had something to lose.
It reminds us to respect what it is that we have.

If I look back further, I look at all the unwitnessed sorrow I left on the table,
Whether it was the trappings of motherhood or self preservation,
There was plenty of sorrow that I walked by without a glance.
I picked up and left my home, my friends, my career, and moved 3000 miles away with a newborn baby….

Sometimes I wonder if I was crazy…
Other times, I know I’m not.
And right now, all I can think is about all the sorrow that caused me, and that I never witnessed myself in that.

I’m not sure why, and I’m sorry for that.
I deserved to witness myself in that.
And I forgive myself for that too.

So, does your heart ever ache?
Do you ever feel it deep in that heart space that somehow manages to pulse out to the rest of your body?

Witness it.
I beg of you, witness all of it.
I encourage you to sit back, give it space, and revel at her beauty, at your beauty.
She is not bad, she is a gift, a messenger, a reminder, an opportunity.
And if you’re willing to be brave, I encourage you to have someone else witness you in it.

Use this beautiful moment and ask yourself…what wisdom can I gain from this?
What blessing can I glean?

With my Dad, the lessons were deep and life altering, it changed the trajectory of my entire existence.

With matters of love for another who still walks this planet…it becomes more complex.

What wisdom do I take from that broken heart?
From that failed romance?
From that unfaithful boyfriend?
From that friend that lied to me?
From that friend who abandoned me?
From that family member that treats me poorly?

What wisdom do I gain from this experience, from this deep seated pain in the center of my chest?
All that pain that went unwitnessed.

It is not easy, but there is always wisdom,
If we choose to give ourselves space to witness, meditate, and be skillful in our implementation of said crusade for wisdom.

You must witness the beauty of the experience,
The richness of the emotion,
And then go inwards to see the wisdom this will bestow upon you and that you can move forward with.
Sorrow, or any emotion, isn’t meant to stay and live with you, she’s meant to teach you and help you move towards your next lesson.
She’s meant to guide you deeper into the abyss of you.

To find the lesson, the meaning, the blessing, the wisdom, the purpose, the value,
I ask myself questions.
Lots of questions.
Lots and lots of questions.
They are all welcome, and there are no chairs at the table for shame.

What kinds of questions might help me find my beloved chalice of wisdom?

First and foremost this powerful, beautiful emotion cues me to ask,
Did I honor myself?
Did I witness my self?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

And what does that even mean?
It means, more questions: did I listen to my intuition?
Did I tell the truth, MY truth, through my lens but with pure intention and love?
Did I state my desires, without fear of rejection or abandonment?
Did I set boundaries to honor my being?
Did I hold the boundaries I set?

Did I honor myself…did I listen to my self, my needs…did I love my self enough to do that?

And I will ALSO honor myself by forgiving myself for all the times I didn’t.
The Universe pays dividends when we trust ourselves and listen to HER wisdom.
The biggest question is, are you listening?
That voice of intuition is whispering in your ear.

I desire a big life, abundant in adventure,
Overflowing with great great love,
Deepened by beautiful relationships.
Relationships that you know go beyond time and space.
Relationships that take you further into the rabbit hole of exactly what we are here to do.
Relationships that give meaning to WHY we are here.
Relationships that uncover our purpose, my purpose.

And bring joy, tremendous joy, and laughter.

I desire great, great love,
MORE great, great love,
To give it, to receive it.
This love, I trust my self to GIVE,
I give it WITHOUT FEAR,
BECAUSE I have honored myself.
And with that may bring tsunamis of sorrow,
And I will witness myself in all of these things,
And use it to take me HIGHER.
I honor myself with forgiveness, I honor myself by witnessing my self,
And I am wiser for all of it.

Wiser, kinder, more loving, more compassionate, and moving towards mastery…

What emotion do you easily witness? What are you challenged by? And how do you honor your self?

Free Diving – Part 2

Oh my…happy birthday to this beauty of a human being. Like seriously…
HE. IS. BEAUTIFUL.
HE IS BEAUTY FULL.
Nevermind the physical, please look deeper.

This man here…
He is a free diver’s dream…
Endless depths of discovery…but can you hold your breath that long?
Can you train, can you endure, can you be patient through the tough stretches to reach the depths required to uncover what lies beneath?
The depths required to go beyond where most cannot?

Most dives end before we even hit the strides of your limit…
You get that panicky feeling, fear creeps in and you pull the chute and head for the surface…
As is true in relating…

Not this one.

Most dives end before you reach the space where you might die, or think you can’t go deeper because you’ll run out of oxygen or get the bends…
All that scary shit that can cause death…whether literal or only egoic…
It takes resilience.
It takes special training, stretching, regimens, practice, surrender, discipline, to be able to reach great depths while diving and while exploring the depths with another.
It takes patience, and love, and forgiveness, and a willingness to trust and let go.

Because to reach great depths with another, you must be willing to reach great depths with your self.

Sometimes when you’re about to run out of air, the other can give you a breath of life, a new way to see something,
Often your self.
The other can show you a new path.
A new way of being.
A new way to uncover what’s deeper…within you.

The depths that requires, the patience that requires, the constant vigilance that requires, can be harrowing, and scary, and feel like you just might die…and if you’re lucky, parts of you will.
Parts of you that weren’t necessary.
Parts of you that didn’t serve you.
Parts of you that chained you to a past that defined a person you no longer want to be, and simultaneously cannot let go.

Sometimes you have to turn back and head for the surface because you aren’t ready to go deeper.
AND, some times you are!
Sometimes the alchemical response between you and the other is a perfect combination of skillsets, courage, and acceptance to create a really special opportunity…

We have this…
This beauty FULL human and I, have been offered this.
And we fight for THIS.
This special opportunity is a chance for us to dive deeper together, because in his reflection I GET the opportunity to dive deeper into my self.
I get to witness a higher conceptualization of my self through him.
Because without the other, there is no reflection…except for the one in the mirror.
And although I love that reflection too, it can only teach me so much.
And it will never teach me as much as the relationships that mirror my self back to MY self,
Specifically the mirror this beauty FULL human has held for me.

It is said that Goddess created woman to experience her self.
Relating is our opportunity to experience our selves.
I’m so blessed, favoured, loved, and ecstatic that this human was born on this day, in a different country, a different world, different culture and circumstances, because through him I witness some of the most beauty FULL pieces of my self.
AND some of the ugliest too.
And in this place we grow.

And he empowers me still.
I have been empowered and invited, and accepted to explore my own depths, even when I’m diving without him…even if I must train alone for a stint, even when it makes him uncomfortable.

Thank you universe.
Thank you Kibwe.
And thank you SELF.
For recognizing the opportunity to go deeper upon meeting this beauty FULL soul.

No matter where our paths take us, we continually move in the same direction.
And whenever we disconnect,
we always reconnect in deeper more meaningful ways.
Deeper down the spiral of the abyss.

Deeper down the depths of our free dive. Connecting deeper, loving deeper, seeing and feeling each other deeper.

Phewwww….how deep does this place go?
I think the the answer is infinite.

I love this man, and I wish him the happiest and most amazing year ahead. I feel like I’ve only scratched the surface with you Mr. Johnson ♥️

(This blog is part 2 to the original blog Free Diving – check it here)

Radical Self Honesty?

Integrity is an interesting trait. Defined as a “quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.”
 
We often think about someone as either having integrity or not. Someone is either honest or dishonest. Someone is either acting within integrity, or without. And I don’t necessarily think it’s that black and white. It is, but it isn’t. I think integrity is often the victim of our egos. I think we desire to have integrity, but our egos tell us we are this, or we are that. Our egos tell us an invariable number of stories to keep us safe from many things, one of those things often being our truth, because our programming has convinced us that our truth may not be okay, not accepted, and not worthy of love. Which complicates our ability to have integrity…let me think on this further… 
 
Integrity, for me, is about radical self honesty… And this is where it’s tricky. It’s easy to think we are telling our selves the truth, but then never share that truth. What does that mean? Well, we often think we are being honest with our selves, and yet we are never honest with another ABOUT our selves. And, in efforts to protect our selves from the fear of judgment, shame and blame, we tell those we love half-truths, white lies, or simply withhold pieces of the full truth. *Out of integrity.* And I think it’s common to attempt to protect our loved ones from what our TRUTH is. And here is the caveat, when we do that we are actually projecting what we THINK they will say, do, or how they will receive it – so REALLY what we are doing is silently judging, blaming, and shaming, OUR SELVES. Get radically honest with your self about that. Past programming is a bitch…for real tho….
 
We think we know a truth about our selves, and we hold back from telling those closest to us because we secretly (our ego) still holds judgment and shame around it. And in the process, we never give our loved ones the opportunity to accept and fully love those pieces of us, AND that makes sense because WE don’t fully love and accept those pieces either – a misalignment exists between our TRUTH and our PROGRAMMING…  It takes courage to love all your pieces – ESPECIALLY with all the layers of programming. And it takes MORE COURAGE to TRUST and SHARE those pieces with others. AND within that courage is the gold! Sharing those vulnerabilities is where the healing takes place. I know this, because I have lived this. I still cringe at aspects of my self, and I’m working to laugh more at these parts, and hug my self through it… 
 
I implore you to ask yourself really hard questions…WITHOUT JUDGEMENT of the answer. And I implore you to have the courage to share those pieces with those you trust. If you don’t trust anyone, I’d dare to say that you have some stories that are simply fallacies (your ego has run amuck), or you need better friends and loved ones, because you are ALWAYS worthy of love and acceptance, from your SELF, and ALSO from OTHERS. And if you truly, truly, love your self, speak your truth from your heart – with loving kindness – and remove attachment to the outcome. The right people will remain. 
 
Find your self on the receiving end of someone out of integrity? Reflect (NOT judge) on how this may mirror an aspect of YOUR self that can be out of integrity, and make sure you set clear boundaries moving forward (if you feel uncomfortable AF, you’re doing it right…#Facts). EVERY experience is an opportunity to learn and grow. Save your self unnecessary pain and learn the first time! 
 
Integrity is a non-negotiable in my relationships, AND if someone doesn’t know what that is, and you don’t set AND HOLD clear boundaries, the stage is set for future hurt. Someone that is out of integrity often may not mean to hurt you, they may not even know what their truth is, or “they can’t handle the truth” (said in Jack Nicholas’ voice of course), or they don’t know how to communicate it, because their ego is too busy blaming, shaming, and justifying their(and your) behavior and (perceived) beliefs.
 
Have compassion. That’s not about you.
 
We are all walking around this planet trying to find our selves. Trying to heal our selves. Trying to do the best we can for our selves. So again, have compassion.
 
I read an article about “alive relating” and it was SO good! Because the idea of relating versus relationship is so convoluted in a modern world that’s rife with generational trauma and social/cultural programming. Something the author and counselor said really stuck out to me, she suggested “it is important that we explore the bounds and possibilities of relating with people who share our own depth of integrity, self-responsibility and purity of intention.” I think this is the key to all of it, and finding out whether someone shares those qualities with you, is an entirely different post. Hahaha….  
 
Happy Wednesday fam!
 
 
If you’re doing this work, please check out @silvykhoucasuan and @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram. They are amazing resources that have helped me illuminate the path I am walking. I like to think they’re holding my hand sometimes and asking me questions… Isn’t social media amazing? 
 
References:

We LOVE As WE Are

“I love you.”
“And how do you love me?”
“I love you as you are.”

It’s a fallacy really.
A lie told to one’s self. 
To believe that we see someone clearly enough to love them “as they are.” 
We like to think that we can see people clearly.
Our parents, our kids, our lovers, our life partners and friends….

Our ego tells us that we see people for their best.
We see them as their highest self. 
We see the good in them.
We see their potential.

And maybe we do.
And maybe we don’t.
And more likely, maybe we can’t.

We like to think that we know the people that are closest to us. 
And I suppose that we often get close to knowing those closest. 
And close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. 

So, what do I mean? 
What is all this about? 

It is about the truth that how we see someone else is completely veiled by everything we have experienced up to now.
Good, bad, and ugly. 
We see those around us behind the veil of all our past programming.

We started as a clean slate, 
Tabula Rasa.
A computer devoid of any software.
Just the pure consciousness and biological bag of mush that we came into this world with.
And as we grew we accepted the truths that were around us.
The truths of our environment, our religion, our parents, our culture, our society.

We began labeling things as “good” or “bad.”
Emotions, behaviors, desires…
We took traumas on that our parents never healed, or theirs before them.
We internalized wrongs done upon us, often accepting them as wrongness within us.
Not enoughness, not worthy.
Because why else would someone abandon me? 

At a young age we don’t understand the complexity of the world, so our brain makes up the story to make sense of it. 
We don’t understand that it has nothing to do with us, it has to do with the pain that person is experiencing, and the pain they are carrying from their own childhood. 
Pain that wasn’t theirs either, that their little brain made up a program around, and a narrative. 

“I don’t deserve…love, acceptance” 
“I don’t belong, fit in…”
“I’m not important, special…”

Their unworthiness and not enoughness is then passed down from one generation to the next. 

In the name of survival, our brain started compiling programs. 
Narratives around why the things around us are happening.
It sorts and sifts and creates lists of “whys” related to its own experience.

“This behavior gets me this….I’d like more of that” – good
“This behavior got me that….I don’t want that experience again” – bad

All this happening unconsciously before we even know how to read chapter books, AND PREDICATED on the response, more accurately REACTION, of those around us, 
Meaning we implicitly accept the world view and actions of others.

And we layered and uploaded all of these programs into the greatest calculator known to man.
The human brain. 
More neural connections than stars in the Milky Way.

These programs were set and installed by the time you were 7.

And as we grow, each time a new experience occurs, our brain cues the appropriate program, the one created when we were sorting and sifting how to get through life as a child.

Over the years these programs run.
Uninterrupted often.
For years.
We gravitate towards situations and scenarios that keep us away from the dreaded TRIGGER.
We avoid this person, we stay away from that situation, because it TRIGGERS our past hurt or everything we have labeled as “bad.”

And often we should, especially if we are not willing to face the pain that can be our past. 
Especially if we are too tender to face whatever burdens were passed down to us, forced upon us, taken out on us. 

We often don’t realize we’re triggered and we say things like “I don’t like that person” or “that’s just not for me.”
Unconscious words we utter that are part of the programs that we installed and never upgraded. 
Those patterns and programs run uninterrupted and create a strong neural pathway, complete with neurotransmitters and hormones that give you the full experience. 

That program, whatever program it is, may run your WHOLE LIFE.
Do you ever see patterns emerging over and over again for you?
It’s one of your inaccurate and now inappropriate computer programs. 
And you just need an upgrade my friend. 
Which isn’t easy.

The only difference between a grave and a rut, is the depth.
And these thought grooves get traveled over and over and over again across the years,
Creating deep ruts within our subconscious,
Creating strong neural connections, that often we travel all the way to our graves.

We are no longer on our own path, 
And possibly we never were.
We are on the path set forth by programming we incurred before we could complete long division…

So who’s path are you walking?
Be terrified that you are on someone else’s path,
Be terrified that it’s a pre-determined program.
And use that fear to question everything.
Question every story and truth you have been telling yourself.

Like a curious and brilliant scientist, start fresh in every moment with a new hypothesis about how the experiment may turn out.
Instead of sitting in fear and anxiety that it will turn out as it has in the past.
Again…not easy.

Alas I circle back to the fallacy of saying, “I love you as you are.”

NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU AS YOU ARE.
Because no one will every truly understand who you are.

They can make a best guess. 
And that guess will always be based off their own experience. 
Their own programming.
Their own thought grooves. 

A cruel and beautiful plight that we all walk as humans.
No one will ever understand fully who we are.

No matter how much I write to express the depth of my emotion, the peaks of my joy, the fullness of my love and the hurricane forces of power and emotion within me, my words will always pale compared to the experience within. 
Like trying to describe a mountain vista, a wooded glen, a beautiful painting…words will never do it justice. 

It is my experience alone to feel.

I can try to express who I am. I can try to be understood. 
And many have done this before me.
Through great story, rhyme, song, poetry, film….
For millennia we humans have attempted to communicate our experience of this grand life. 
Attempted to help you know me.
Attempts to be understood, seen, and heard in OUR human experience…
To be recognized, loved, accepted, understood, known and SEEN.

To love someone is NEVER about loving them AS THEY ARE.
We love people AS WE ARE.

I don’t love you AS YOU ARE.
I love you AS I AM.

No one can ever truly know you. 
Only you can. 
Make it your life mission.
Every trigger, every thought groove, every moment of discomfort are clues and moments for you to get to know you…
Again, I implore you to make it your life mission. 
So that when you get to your grave, it’s not by way of a rut,
It’s by way of a new path, a fresh experience, a curiosity and a lightness of joy and play.
Never knowing the outcome, and choosing to walk the path anyway.
Like the curious scientists.

Take your own hand and walk the path less traveled,
Write new programs,
Wake up to your unconsciousness, 
Go down the rabbit hole of your own self discovery. 
Take the red pill.

Your path is illuminated and reflected by those around you.
So love all of it, love all of them, choose your path wisely and not without conscious intention.

And know that we cannot ever love someone as they are. 
We can only love them as WE ARE.
So love your self.
Know your self.
Hug and nurture your self.
And those that do the same for them selves will naturally align with you. 
And you’ll get to share, reflect, and enjoy this wondrous thing called life!

What a joy, what a wonder, what a wonder filled life.

How well do you know your self? What cycles do you find your self repeating? Drop it in the comments, loves!