I used to ruminate over past relationships. There were a few that really got under my skin. And by under my skin, read: loved deeply and felt deeply hurt.
Maybe I believed that “they were the one” or that “we would be together forever.” I did.
But that is what my love for them felt like. It was naive in a sense, and at it’s heart, pure.
Disbelief in the ending would have me asking, “How could I be so wrong? How did this happen?”
When I open my heart to the kind of love that exists in me, nothing is impossible to overcome. It’s the kind of love that heals all wounds, that transcends any disagreement. This love is forever. It transforms.
How could they not want this? How could they not want me?
I would find myself judging when a relationship ended. Myself. Them.
And I found myself attacking. Myself. Them (in my mind, which is again…self attack).
A lot of this faded with time, but if I opened the right (or wrong) thought loop, it could come up, even years later.
Married. Committed. Loving my husband. And still that loop.
I remember one day I asked myself a question.
You see, I had started to realize that I carry assumptions about what how others define these words – love, family, commitment. I carry my definitions with me, and I never checked them out with the other person I was relating with.
So when someone says “I want to be a family,” I wouldn’t investigate what family meant to them.
When someone says, “I love you” I didn’t ask what love meant to them.
Instead, I projected my own meaning onto their claims.
And, I think I did this because I hadn’t defined them for myself.
This is problematic. For the person I partner with. And for me. But mostly for me, because that’s what I have control over.
So, I asked myself a question: what do I believe about love?
You see this love within me is not ordinary love, it’s outrageous love. (You have it too.) It doesn’t quit. And when I asked the question, “what do I believe about love.” The first thing that arose was, “love doesn’t quit.”
That annoyance I felt, that stuff attached to past partners, was partly due to this belief I have about love.
Whenever I have been heartbroken, and I have struggled to let go, it was always because I had judged myself for still loving the person. Read that again.
And in judging, I was denying the very real and congruent field of love I reside within and had been connected with them in.
In those relationships; could I have made different choices? Yes. Could I have taken better care of myself? Yes. And I didn’t. So what now?
What I used to do was judge that I love. The judgement was so sneaky, that I couldn’t see it, I had judged myself as wrong/bad for loving and this spawned the anger and blame – of me, of them.
Whereas, what happens if I can allow the love to be….judgment free.
When I made the realization that love never quits, it allowed me to see:
1. That I do love
2. My judgement of me loving another that rejects me was creating a loop of self attack.
I can’t deny it. It’s impossible. Because I. DO. LOVE. And love doesn’t quit.
When I made this realization, and when I allowed my love for them to continue on in my heart. That loop stopped.
Love doesn’t quit. For me, it just doesn’t. It’s inevitable. Whether we get there in this life, or at transition, it is inevitable.
I believe love is infinite. It is the fabric that connects all time, all people, and all dimensions. It is the vibration where miracles and time travel and past lives coexist all at the same time.
To judge I love. Is to judge myself. Is to judge reality. It creates a false reality.
When I accepted my love, it completed transformed how I felt. I no longer judged, or attempted to deny, blame, avoid. It was simply, I love, and that’s okay. It allowed me to see the flaws AND gifts in the other, and all the reasons I had loved them in the first place.
Which were beautiful. And I cherish.
It allowed me to hold that love with tenderness, and move forward with that piece of me I’d been judging and denying. It brought fondness into my heart. And it also held consequences. Because when I allow for “I love,” I grieve is close behind.
I love someone who is gone.
When I think about this, it’s a reminder to take better care of myself. This field of love exists, and how deep do I want to go, how connected do I want to become, how much do I want to fortify the meridians in that field with someone that is not committed in the same way I commit? With someone doesn’t value what I value? With someone with weak character/integrity? Things I could have asked and discussed before diving in so forlornly.
This could be said with any relationship, but the element of sex does change things. It brings that person deeply into your field. As the woman, I am allowing that person to penetrate my very being. To mix and mingle deeply with my energies. I see the consequences of this in hindsight.
In reflection, thank God my husband is who he is, because we never defined these these ideas between us, but something about who we were recognized the other enough to successfully navigate this lack of clarification – although, it has created friction over the years.
The simple miscommunications that occur when you haven’t known to define what deeply matters to you and how you define this key pieces to relating long term.
When I think opening so deeply with another…I guess I wish I had thought about these things. I wish I’d been more responsible…when I was casting myself vulnerably into pits of love, and not thinking, or registering, the consequences.
And maybe bigger than that, I wish I hadn’t judged how much I loved.
I grieve doesn’t really go away. It lessens. But love doesn’t quit, and grief is the reminder that something we loved is gone.
And, if I hadn’t made those decisions, acted irresponsibly, not taken care of myself or understood the consequences, would I have the wisdom that was born of their pain? Would I be sharing this here and now? Meh, likely not.
What happened, always had to happen. It created something new. It created ME anew. And birth is a messy, painful process.
So hopefully you took something away to ease your own heart. Tag and share this with someone who needs to hear it, and share in the comments what you believe about love.
xo,
Crystal
Crystal Johnson 