Your husband isn’t the problem, you are…

I recently heard someone use the term “hubby hate.” I asked what the hell that meant?  Apparently this is a thing that is talked about and blogged about on a regular basis now? Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging. I understand there are intricacies to being with someone long term. I understand there are delicacies, and annoyances, and longing and yearning. I think all of these things are human.

But I also think that loathing and hating your husband is certainly not a place I ever want to be for more than three seconds.

It is a choice to hate. And the thought of hating my husband feels awful inside…  How could I hate this man who works so hard for us? Who loves and is patient with our children? Who caught my babies as they entered this world? How could I hate this man who tolerates my bullshit, and works so hard to be a better man for me?

I’m not sure what’s left, but I feel like we have had every difficult conversation that a married couple could have (including the one about divorce, and the one about having feelings for other people), and we came out the other side with more love and adoration than before. You could say we’re “lucky,” but I don’t believe in that. I would rather give credit to the fact that we love and value one another, we accept that we are human, and we are committed to sorting out our bullshit.

So, how do we keep that mutual adoration and genuine care alive and well, how do we protect against hate and annoyance creeping in? How do we stoke the fires of desire and lust, when essentially there’s nothing new to explore together?

I just can’t see cavewoman ever hating her partner, but maybe she never lived long enough to get there…. The thing is, she would have had all sorts of challenges just surviving. I think hating your husband is a legitimate privilege. It’s something that’s available because we are too bored or too stressed or too well kept. And that’s a judgement against humans as a whole, not you personally.

If the struggle is to just survive, there’s no time to fucking hate the person that is trying to survive AND help you survive too. If your basic needs of food, shelter, and water are at the top of the daily needs list, as well as making sure that your genetic line persists, then I think how loudly your mate chews becomes a non-issue.

But we are privileged. We’re lucky enough to live somewhere where food, water, and shelter are common. Paying for all of it may be a stressor, depending on your financial situation, but it’s not a physical stressor that determines life or death – it is this nagging mental stressor that we just tolerate and have allowed to manifest into all the other bullshit.

I think the boredom and stresses of modern day parenthood exist due to the fact that we never have to physically struggle (against a beast or the elements), we don’t have the support of a multi-generational community with raising our young, and we generally have no community support in raising our families and providing food and shelter.

It’s like we are caged animals, and the price we pay for domestication and comfort is a life that often lacks adventure, inspiration, risk, reward, desire or victory. Most have given up the thrill of the fight, for the comfort of peace. After all, it is much easier to go to the store and grab some groceries, than it is to go to the wilderness with some tribe members, hunt down a wild beast, kill it, and then butcher and prepare it for your next meal. And it’s much easier and acceptable to scream silently at your frustrations, then it is to go and physically work them out, or emotionally work them out.

Think about how gratifying the struggle of cavelife would have been. Able bodied cavewomen and cavemen would have undergone incredible physical feats to simply have a meal. They would have had to use keen mental skills acquired through generations of trial and error, then they would have had to use their superior brain and physical skills as a community to make the kill. There would be no boredom, incredible physical exertion, strong community support, and life or death threats regularly. Hate cannot breed in this environment.

So, if you hate your husband, and you also love him, and you want to stay together, I think you tackle this shit head on. There are always options if you’re unhappy, and hate isn’t the one I’d choose. Is it common? Yes. Does it feel good to hate, and is it good for your relationship? I’d say no. So, what can you do instead?

Well, if it was any other kind of hate, how would you approach it? I lifted some ideas from the SPLC on hate crimes and am using that framework for you to address your “hubby hate.” Silly? Maybe. A solution? Possibly.

  1. Act – don’t sit back and let your hate control you, do some shit about it. Apathy will get you nowhere. Go do something exciting. Challenge yourself. Do this alone or with your partner. Take a self defense course and beat some shit up. Join a powerlifting club and learn to lift heavy shit. Go climbing. Run a race you don’t think you can do. Connect with your inner cavewoman and challenge the fuck out of her. Emotionally and physically.
  2. Join forces with friends and loved ones – connect with a diverse group of people that will support and talk to you about how to overcome, and who will not jump on the bandwagon of “I hate my partner.” This isn’t a gossip session. I’m guessing you love and respect one another, so quit highlighting the things you hate. This is you being active and engaged with your relationships, and working from a place of “I love this person,” “I want this to work,” “how can I get through these emotions effectively?” What do I need? Who is on board with supporting me and my relationship? Find these people, they make your tribe stronger, instead of ripping it apart.
  3. Support the victims – give your partner love and support and protect your relationship. No one else is going to protect your relationship other than the two of you. You may have some close tribe mates that will, but they aren’t in your relationship. You are. Fucking love that person so much it hurts. Love that person so much that it matters MORE to you that they are happy, than it matters whether you’re the person that can make them happy. Love them so much, that if you think someone else will love them better, or support them more, that you’re okay with that. Because true, true, true, love is about bringing those you love the most love and fulfillment possible, and maybe that isn’t you. I’m not recommending divorce, but sometimes that’s the most loving decision.
  4. Speak up – talk to your partner! Don’t let years of unhappiness settle in. BEFORE you talk to them, speak up to yourself. Then go to step 5.
  5. Educate yourself – what’s really going on? What do you really need? Often it may just be a weekend away. A recharge. Maybe you just need to be fucked really good. But you can’t hide from your feelings, and you certainly can’t dump them on your husband without understanding where they are coming from and what you might need. He’s literally not trained for that. I mean you could, but the outcome may not be what you want. Read books and articles – ones that support your tribe, if that’s what you want. Reading only about division and frustration will not support togetherness and happiness. Get a counselor if you need to. AGAIN, we weren’t meant to do this alone. Employing someone trained to help you, might be the best option nowadays, just as hiring a housekeeper is often the best choice to help you tackle those needs. Remember, we used to share all these responsibilities with a tribe. So give yourself a fucking break if you can’t do it all.
  6. Create an alternative – find another outlet for anger and frustration. This is where exercise/adventure comes in again! Exercise is a known reliever of stress. And most often this “hubby hate” comes from stress, feeling unsupported, or feeling hamstrung/trapped. So, instead of giving into it, find a way to relieve the stress, figure out how you can feel more supported (and then ask for that), and then talk to someone about how you can take back some sense of yourself.
  7. Pressure leaders – talk to the leaders within your tribe. Have them check-in with you. Ask for their assistance. Tell them what you need. This may be another scenario where you lean on friends and family, or it may be where you join support groups, mom groups, peer groups that want the same thing, and are interested in supporting you (create one if you need to), or hire someone for their expertise. Go into these scenarios knowing what you want.
  8. Stay engaged – don’t disconnect from your partner or yourself. You cannot solve problems if you’re checked out.
  9. Teach acceptance – accept your bullshit, forgive yourself, accept your husband’s bullshit, forgive him too. Say I love you (to yourself and him), work on your shit, ask him to work on his shit. Be clear on what you want, and accept that maybe some things won’t change. If they don’t, do you still want to be together? If the answer is yes, then you MUST change expectations around that.
  10. Dig deeper – look inside yourself. What is it you’re hating? Why do you feel angry? Why do you get annoyed and irritable with your entire family? What the hell is going on? Do this with love and forgiveness. Remember, LIFE WASN’T MEANT TO BE DONE THIS WAY! So you can give yourself a break too Mama.

When you’re digging deeper, look at the 4 pillars (hyperlink). How are you addressing your nourishment? Maybe your anger and hate are the results of a neurotransmitter imbalance or a hormonal issue. See your doc, or do some reading. How are you addressing your movement? Have you exercised this week? This month?

You cannot function optimally without daily movement. It is a non-negotiable. You are a beast. The baddest fucking beast on the planet. Your species has literally walloped many of the greatest beasts of this world into extinction. Maybe not something to be proud of, but a testament to what you came from. If your dog needs a daily walk, it stands to reason you do to.

How are you addressing tribe and spirituality? Are you practicing gratitude and connecting with nature? These are simple tasks that don’t take time, and I’m positive will help.

Manage your expectations! 

Having kids, changing jobs, moving, they all take a toll on your inner life as well as your outer life and relationships. Talk with your partner and your self to sort out what you need to feel fulfilled. Surrender to the fact that some periods of life are just the way they are, and they pass and morph into other phases.

You’re the architect of the journey in between.

Accept that if we are going to parent and live this life, unnatural to how we were meant to, that we need to start managing ourselves better.

Cavewoman persisted through the harshest of times in our existence to give us a chance to be MORE. We are her children. She would want us to practice forgiveness, gratitude, creativity, love, and do the inner work it takes to live happily ever after. Start with practicing on yourself, then take that to your husband, your kids, your friends, your enemies. You deserve all that forgiveness, gratitude, creativity, and love. You truly do. You’re parenting as we were never meant to. You’re a fucking rockstar. You’re a fucking beast. You’re a goddam badass to take on this shit.

You can do this life however you want, and you should.

You owe it to Cavewoman. You owe it to yourself.

Affirmations

I say these words for myself.

As a reminder.

I may not be as strong,

as I once was.

My skin isn’t as tight.

My forehead wears more wrinkles.

I’ve lost myself in motherhood more than once…

Losing myself,

who I am.

Identified as an athlete for years,

finding myself with no sport.

Only to persist.

Sweat,

hard work,

grit,

determination.

A belief that I am more than one thing. 

I am a mom,

I am a woman.

I am a wife and an athlete.

I am you.

I am me.

I am the children I grew within me and brought into this world.

I am more than my body and my words.

I am love.

I am desire.

I am passion.

I am hope.

I am more than you and I can ever know.

I am Cavewoman,

and my species has persisted for millenia.

Be savage,

and persist as she has before you.

I’m grateful my Dad is dying.

What are you grateful for?

Often my answer is something like my family, my health, etc. And, I do believe we should be thankful for those things. However, it is easy to have gratitude for your blessings. It’s easy to be grateful for all the good things, the good people, and the good fortune that is present in your life.

But what if we decided to have gratitude for everything in our lives? What if we decided to have gratitude when it wasn’t easy?

Let’s think about it this way. Everything that is present in your life is here because of everything that has happened before this moment. You are a collection of every experience, positive and negative, that has crossed your path to this point. And even the positive or negative perception of those situations IS what shapes and forms your ethos. Why do some people handle, seemingly negative situations, like death and dying, more effectively than others? Why do some people succeed and thrive in the face of traumatic scenarios and others don’t? I think there are likely a myriad of reasons behind that.

I think Cavewoman would have had no other choice. Continue on, or die. When the stakes are that high, you either do one or the other. There was no time or luxury to become withdrawn, depressed, and/or a non functioning member of society. Resiliency was a necessity for her survival. When the options are imminent death or getting on with it, I think our survival instincts likely took over, or we perished…which, I surmise, happened too.

So, what does gratitude have to do with any of it? Well, fear and gratitude cannot occupy the same place for starters. It just can’t. So, whatever the scenario, if you can find the gratitude you can often find the silver lining, the positive side, or the meaning of why these things happen and expel a state of fear.

Example: during a recent gratitude exercise, it occurred to me that I was often thankful for the same things. My husband, my children, my health…. So, I decided to try something new: be thankful for the things that hurt, that sucked, that were seemingly negative, but no doubt shaped me more than the positive shit.

So, I thought about my Dad. I placed him in my heart, and I thanked him deeply and showed deep gratitude for his illness (illness here). Something that has caused me deep, deep pain, and I drank it in and said a labored “thank you.” Why?

What gratitude can I glean from this situation?

Honestly, there’s plenty. If my Dad hadn’t gotten sick, and if I hadn’t watched in horror as he deteriorated and became a shell of his mountain man self, I know I wouldn’t be where I am today. His illness sent me on a path. It raised my awareness and brought about a cascading of events that shape exactly where I am, and who I am, in this present moment.

Reflecting specifically, here are some of the ways my Dad’s illness has changed my world for the better:

  1. My attention wouldn’t have been piqued towards ketogenic diet. When a functional MD recommended the ketogenic diet as a treatment for the myriad of health issues my Dad was experiencing (that presented as dementia), I became keenly aware that this diet had an important role in health and longevity. I just wasn’t sure why or how.
  2. I wouldn’t have perked up and started using coconut oil. Around 10 years ago, I caught a segment on the news (which I never watch) about a doctor who was using it to reverse her husband’s Alzheimer’s.
  3. I wouldn’t have did the research, continuing education, and reading that I’ve done to educate and learn about brain health and longevity. I wouldn’t know what I know, if my Dad hadn’t gotten sick. It raised my awareness and empowered me to make changes in my diet and lifestyle that will undoubtedly lead to greater health and longevity for me and my family.
  4. I wouldn’t have been blessed with some of the people that have come across my path. I wouldn’t have found the company I am now a part of. I wouldn’t have met some of the amazing partners I have in that company, and I wouldn’t get to work side by side to bring awareness to these topics together.
  5. I wouldn’t be as inspired to live my life fully and take care of myself in the same way. The chronic awareness that I could finish my days rotting slowly….that’s motivating. I ought to take advantage and grab every moment by the fucking balls.
  6. Because my Dad got sick, I became aware of something that may help someone else’s Dad, brother, husband, wife…before it is too late.

These reasons give me deep meaning, deep purpose, and yes, DEEP GRATITUDE for my Dad’s illness.  And every time I feel broken and wonder “WHY?” What’s the reason? What’s the purpose? I’m reminded…if it hadn’t happened as it was, I would likely lead a less purposeful existence, a less honest existence, and above all else, an existence of entitlement or expectation.

Life can be ugly.  But it is these ugly, dirty moments that give the meaning to the beautiful, tender, passionate moments….  The bad is what can fuel the good, the purpose, the meaning….but only if you let it.

So take the ugly moments and fan those flames with the gasoline of gratitude and you will no doubt fuel an inspired life.

An Affair to Remember

Have a love affair with yourself first, and then whoever finds themselves worthy can join you.

But let’s be clear, not everyone is worthy, and we don’t need anybody else for the things we often want them for.

So, what do I mean, “not everyone is worthy.”

Not everyone deserves to be around you and your awesomeness. Who you are, who you truly, truly are, deserves to be protected – whether that’s from energy vampires, or people that want what you have, but don’t have the balls to go for it. Whether in friendship or in romance, these people will dump you or weed themselves out over time. Just remember, that’s not about you.

What is it about, then? It has nothing to do with you not being “enough” and everything to do with you being completely whole. People that embrace themselves, and work towards better, terrify people that do not. You shine a spotlight on their truth, that they don’t believe they’re enough. You’re a reminder of their bullshit – although they are likely ignorant to said bullshit. So, I repeat, it’s not about you. When they decide to step into their awesome, and see that they are enough, then welcome them with open arms. Let them bow out for now, but leave the door open for when they’re strong enough to push through it.

I want everyone to come with me, join me, fucking have fun and do good in this lifespan. But because I shine that light on people, because I endeavour to love myself, and hold myself accountable, there’s going to be fewer people that are able to handle and do that. And because I hold a high amount of personal accountability, I’ll always have a hard time with people that don’t match what I’m willing to contribute in a relationship. It’s not like we won’t be tight, we will, but I would go to the end of the Earth for the people I love. If you’re only willing to go halfway, fucking see you at the halfway point. I’m not going to go further than you’re willing to go. Lesson learned on that one.

I’ll always hold a high amount of personal accountability. Why? Because it’s power. If I take full accountability for everything in my life, and I mean EVERYTHING, I then gain control to change it. If I blame it on someone else or make excuses for why it happened, then I remove any power I could have to rectify the situation.

And what do I mean, “you don’t need anybody else?”

Do we need other people? Yes, of course we do. We are a species rooted in community. It matters whether we have people around that love and care for us. It mattered if Cavewoman had people to help her hunt, raise her kids, and fight the environmental hazards to survive.

Community matters. Tribe matters.

We often, however, look to other people to fulfill needs we think we lack. We look to them to validate and love us, to reassure us – to make us whole, as if we are not already whole.

Think about intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation. If you are intrinsically motivated to read a book, you do it because you enjoy it and find it interesting. If you are extrinsically motivated to read a book, you do it because there is a reward at the end or you are hoping to avoid a negative outcome. Let’s apply that to love.

If we are seeking love from everybody else (extrinsically) we may simply be trying to avoid a negative outcome, i.e. fear, abandonment, loneliness. Or we may be looking for the reward of approval, of evidence that we are good enough, and that we deserve love.

But what if your feelings of approval and love came from yourself, intrinsically? What if when you felt lonely or scared, you could look inward, give yourself a hug and say “I love you, it’s going to be okay.” What if you didn’t need to look to your partner or mother for reassurance that you’re enough? What if you intrinsically knew that you were beautiful, and kind, and decent? What if when you were nervous about performing, you didn’t have to turn to your partner for a nod? What if you could hug yourself and take solace in you?

What if you were your biggest fan? What if your greatest love affair was with you?

What if you went to sleep with the person that mattered most in this world, and woke up and looked at her in the mirror every single day? How would that transform your life?

What if you were laying on your deathbed, looking around at your loved ones, and realized you were going to have to do this one on your own? Wouldn’t you want to do it with someone you absolutely adored? Someone that had your back your whole life? You can be that person for yourself.

At the end of the day when you close your eyes to sleep, at the end of this life when you pass on to whatever is next, it will be just you. That’s not meant to be sad, it’s meant to motivate you to take a serious look at how you’re treating yourself. Be your biggest fan, be your greatest love, be your own best friend.

And the most beautiful thing about it, is if you can be courageous enough to love yourself this way, who do you think you’ll attract into your world?

Just Move, Dammit

Don’t overthink it. Just move.

What is the number one excuse you make for not exercising?

I worked in Exercise Rehab for years, with people from all different walks of life, and the excuse was often time, proximity to a gym, and ignorance on what to do – that last one was usually related to being concerned about what other people would think about them as they worked out.

…your body is the most magnificent thing in this world.

If any of those excuses is why you don’t workout. I have a message for you: KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF! DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT compromise your health because of someone else’s opinion. And certainly DO NOT let your beautiful body go to waste because you do not have time or access to a gym. That’s right, your body is beautiful. I don’t care whether it’s fat or skinny, strong or weak: your body is the most magnificent thing in this world. It has the capacity to bring forth life, it can be an immense source of pleasure and pain, it houses the most powerful computer on the planet, and your body is the only vehicle you will be given that can get you through this life.

The analysis of movement, has caused the paralysis of a basic instinct we wouldn’t have even questioned thousands of years ago. Structured exercise (even calling it exercise) is a construct created by society. Exercise is often thought of as something we should likely do, but it is optional. For cavewoman, exercise would have been life or death. Her fitness level would have deeply influenced her ability to feed herself, give birth, and function in her community. It was a necessity. And it is a necessity for us too, we just don’t realize it.

…exercise is only optional if you want a life of less consequence. 

Physical activity affects every aspect of our lives, from mental health to physical health, which in turn affects our society in very big ways – from our healthcare system, to crime, and education. It influences EVERYTHING. And we look at it as OPTIONAL. It is only OPTIONAL if you want a subpar existence. I’ll repeat that again: exercise is only optional if you want a life of less consequence. 

So instead of thinking about exercising, break free of that construct, and start thinking about movement. Start adding it into your days. How? Well, think about what our ancestral mama would have done:

Cavewoman would have….

  1. Rested in a squat position: Chairs didn’t exist, those are an invention, and being reliant on them has caused a massive mobility issue for western culture as a whole. The ability to just rest in a squat to complete tasks, the ability to simply compress your body in that fashion, is reflective of overall health – in my opinion. I used to have clients do this throughout the day to work on squat mobility. If you can pepper it in, it will get much easier and eventually become a rest position for you as well.  One of the most beautiful qualities of our body is it’s ability to adapt, so challenge it and work on this simple position! TIP: set your alarm to go off throughout the day and try sitting into a squat position for a couple minutes.
  2. Give maximum effort: there would have been times when cavewoman called on all of her strength. Whether it was fighting a beast, helping on a hunt, chasing down an animal, fighting with other humans. There would have been times when she gave 100% effort to save her life, or nourish her life. When is the last time you gave 100% physical effort? I don’t care whether it’s an all out sprint or a squat max – do something that requires you to struggle, and calls on a level of effort you’re not used to giving. TIP: run as hard as you can for as long as you can, or jump as high as possible a couple times a week – don’t give a half effort, try to set a new record each time. If you have some joint issues or concerns, try swimming. The point is you’re challenging your limits.
  3. Played: there was a time before speech in our existence. How do you think we communicated? Movement would have been a big part of it. We would have spent time as a community, playing and moving together for fun. Not exercise. This can be structured or unstructured, with your kids or on your own, but making movement fun would go a long way towards your physical health.
  4. Extended periods of cardiovascular work: this would have occurred during migration or during a longer hunt. We’re built for this kind of work, expose yourself and build up your endurance to anything, it will improve. TIP: go for a long hike on the weekend. Connect with nature, and make sure your heart rate is up. Get even more savage and try barefoot!
  5. Walk everywhere: get out on your feet more often! Whether it’s a walk at lunch or in the evening. Try walking more, instead of driving everywhere. TIP: actually use the age old tip of parking as far away from where you have to go.
  6. Spend time outside navigating the environment: we would have climbed, crawled, walked, ran, jumped….there’s no wrong way to move your body. The only wrong thing to do with your body is NOT move it. TIP: go to a ninja gym, a jungle gym, or find a tree and climb it with your kids!

It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be something.

Cavewoman wouldn’t have planned or scheduled exercise. Given the world we live in, maybe that isn’t necessarily an option now, as our lives are busy, we work 9-5 (on how to break free of that, contact me), and we feel like we have to schedule when we move our bodies. I think if you can implement any of the ideas listed above on a daily basis, you will absolutely see positive affects in your physical AND mental health. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be something.

Your body is the greatest gift you will ever receive, so love on it, love on yourself, and do yourself a massive favor and challenge it, walk it, exercise it, fuck it, caress it, nourish it, and give thanks for all it does to get you through this life. It is a modern marvel, and it, and you, deserve to carry on through this life with uninhibited freedom.  Go move!

For all the women who’ve been labeled “too much.”

I’ve been told I’m too passionate.

I’ve been told I’m too intense.

I’ve been told I’m too aggressive.

Too much for who? Too much for you? With all due respect….FUCK YOU. Who I am, has no bearing on YOU.

I’d rather be too much of all those things than to live a life devoid of any of them. I don’t care what is polite, or what is proper. I care about living an existence of consequence.

If I was an asshole, that would be different. But I love people. I want the best for them. I truly do. AND, I give them the benefit of the doubt, almost always, unless you’ve proven yourself unworthy of the benefit.

If my language offends you, that’s about you. I’m not swearing at you, I’m not demeaning you. I’m not even directing it at you. My language is used to communicate all that “passion,” “aggression,” and “intensity.”

If a pic of my ass is “too much” for you, then don’t look. I worked hard for that ass. I was disciplined and dedicated to my movement and my nourishment. I’ve turned my body into something I didn’t know I had. And I did it by putting into practice my talents, doing me, and not worrying about what other people thought. I did it by putting in the work, and now I get to celebrate! So you best believe, more pics of that ass are going to be posted. AND when I get abs, it is likely that I will never wear clothes again.

It used to be that when someone accused me of being “too much” of anything, it hurt me, wounded me, and made me feel like I needed to change. But now I understand that it has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with them.  Instead of inspiring their meager existence with my passion, intensity, aggression (which I would rather label as fucking zeal and purpose) it shines a gigantic spotlight on their lack thereof, and it spawns fear and criticism. Instead of being inspired to go after what is theirs, it causes them to retreat and make excuses for why it can never be theirs.

Which is okay. I hope for their sake, they one day find the courage, support, and love (self love most likely) to go after something with passion. Which I’m willing to support, but until that point, I’m gonna do me.

…and life can be heavy as fuck.

I am regularly inspired by the brevity of life. If I were to leave my earthly body, I’d want the people in my life to know where I stood, to know what I was about. I’d want them to remember how much I loved them. I’d want them to know how much I felt, how my heart was easily overwhelmed by love, how my eyes would tear when triggered by the right topics. And when those tears were triggered, I accepted the moment without embarrassment, because crying often takes courage…and life can be heavy as fuck.

I’d want the people I love to remember that I laugh out loud with my mouth wide open, and that wide mouth laugh can sometimes turn into a snort…if I enjoy the joke enough. I’d want them to remember that I wasn’t embarrassed to embrace my body – all of it, even the loose skin on my tummy and the wrinkles on my forehead and around my eyes.

I’d want them to remember me passionately kissing and arguing, intensely living and creating, and aggressively fighting for those that I love and those that can’t fight for themselves.…yet.  

I’d want them to know that I accept myself for who I am, and I’ll work to be better at all of it for ME. Not for anyone else. Although everyone else is welcome to join me.

I’d want my life to have meant something. And if being “too much” of the qualities I mentioned has something to do with my life having greater meaning and consequence….well then, FUCK YES! I accept all those accusations.

It’s possible you don’t know me. It’s possible you misunderstand my passion. And that’s okay. But let go of your judgements towards others. Love people regardless, and maybe one day they will rock your world, and change your life!

I am cavewoman, hear me roar!

Lions do not care about the opinions of sheep.

We’ve all heard this saying. As well as this saying WOULD serve us, we often DON’T abide by it. As much as these words apply in a human context, it remains true that we evolved over hundreds of thousands of years where being part of a community mattered for our survival.

Cavewoman needed people around her to ensure that her young thrived, and her lineage carried on. It was a necessity. We relied on one another for everything: food, shelter, warmth, knowledge. So, it’s ingrained in us to kind of care about fitting into a community.

The crux of the problem now, is that not all people are part of your tribe or community. Simply being human does not qualify you to be part of anyone’s tribe anymore, other than maybe your family, and even that doesn’t always seem true.

Now, there’s an abundance of people and a scarcity of tribe. So choose wisely who you surround yourself with, choose wisely who you adopt and welcome as members of your “tribe.” Choose people that elevate the group, add value, have special skills, and are working towards the betterment and survival of your tribe.

Choose people that will help EVERYONE survive and thrive – independent of what they look like and who they love.

Should you care about the people’s opinion of you in that tribe? I don’t know if it matters. If you’re all working together, that shouldn’t be an issue. If you all bring value, then you’re valued, and that’s what really matters.

At the end of the day, the value you bring to your tribe is what makes it a life worth living, and conversely, a death worth dying.

BUT for fuck’s sake, DO NOT care about the dickhead’s opinion that isn’t in your tribe and brings no value to you or anyone you care about. That dickhead, is the lamb, and they’ll likely end up someone’s dinner. Mmmmmm lamb!

The Impermanence of Life: The Inevitability of Death

This post is brought to you by nostalgia, family, and Creston, BC. This video was shared with my by a dear friend, and brought tears to my eyes. It’s the home I grew up in. You may not know this about me, but I grew up in the mountains. I grew up in a tiny valley in the interior of British Columbia. Far away from so many things. I lived in this same house my whole life…until I didn’t.

I lived in this same house my whole life…until I didn’t.

I remember when my Mum had to sell this very same house. The house I grew in. The house I was loved in. The house where my brother beat me senselessly with “love” and taught me how to be tough. The corral that I got bucked off horses in. The shop that I needed yearly tetanus’ shots from, because I was a kid around a lot of metal and steel.

It was incredibly difficult to watch all that metal and steel (among other things) be auctioned off as my Dad slipped deeper into dementia… I remember watching the truck we took family trips in being driven off by a stranger, and listening to it fade into the distance… How could he just drive off in it? That was our truck….the one where our sweaty legs stuck to one another in the summer, and my brother would rip them apart to mess with me… That was our truck….until it wasn’t.

That was our truck….until it wasn’t.

I will always remember the same sound of that truck barreling down the road towards our house as my Dad returned home after being on pipeline for months – goodies for us kids, filling his suitcase. Each one a reminder that he had missed us, and was thinking about us while away.  Or when he’d return from hunting with a moose on the back of his truck.  I’ll remember all the times I saw his welding hat pass across the the bottom of our picture window as he came in from outside, the feeling of his icy hands as he tried to warm them on our necks, and I’ll remember hearing the gentle greetings of our horses as he walked down to the corral.

I remember house parties that I wasn’t supposed to have, target practice in the field with bales of hay, and king of the castle on even higher stacks of hay. I remember laying in my bed during the summer and hearing my dad make rounds as he cut hay, and seeing the lights trail across my wall as he passed each successive time, gently lulling me to sleep.

I remember looking off the back deck (picture above) and just feeling at peace.  I remember how quiet it was a night, and how bright the stars shone.  I remember hearing coyotes howl, and owls hoot.

I remember talking on the phone with a friend on that same back deck.  Laying and staring at the stars, hearing about his travels, and having hours and hours of conversation while being mesmerized by their brightness and his voice.  A friend that would one day become my husband, and the father of my children.

I remember the feeling every time I would drive back home. You wind down the highest highway in Canada, your anticipation grows, and you know you’re getting close.  Mountains on one side, creeks on the other, and every time you come around a corner, you know you are closer….until you’re there….

…and every time you come around a corner, you know you are closer….until you’re there….

And the whole valley opens before you.  It’s majesty unbelievable….and you know….you are home. Every time I descend into that valley, I am home (video below).

I was forged by this place: the mountains, the lakes, the rivers, and the creeks.  The home I spent every year of my growing years in is imprinted into my DNA. The smell of the pine and the view of those mountains is etched upon my soul. No matter what happens.  No matter how sad life can be, and the grief that comes with loss…those mountains will still be there.  They will stand strong and stoic throughout time no matter how strong the wind blows, or how hard the rain falls.

If I remember that much like the mountains, our souls were born from the strength of our ancestors.

There is beauty in grief and sorrow. I have so many memories…and I tuck them away safely. I will remember that much like the mountains, our souls were born from the strength of our ancestors. Like anything else, grief can be a resistance that builds the strength to carry on and move forward with greater understanding and purpose. I will be like those mountains, and I will hold my head high.  I will take comfort in that we have survived for millenia and embrace the understanding that there is a season for everything, even me.

And everything that has a beginning, has an end.