Witness

Does your heart ever ache?
Like there’s a hand that is squeezing tightly around it, restricting the flow,
Constricting, like a cuff that just can’t quite fully expand, and your heart strains against it?
It feels so deep…
Deep down between cells, down to the molecules, to the atoms, to the spaces between them.

Have you ever experienced a loss?
One that penetrates so deeply that you feel it in the spaces between where matter ends and only energy resides,
Ironic….how can it matter if it’s not even matter?

It’s like there is a space where all the pain and sorrow is concentrated.
How can nothing, seemingly nothing, hurt so bad?
Nothing physical at least.
How can an imaginary thing, that no one can see, cause this physical pain?

It’s because it’s not a thing that’s actually hurting us.
It’s not the death or the physical loss,
It’s the energy that that thing exchanged with you.
Whether a job, a relationships, a parent or a friend,
You had energy exchanges
Every time you interacted,
Every time you touched,
Laughed, loved.

Energy is in the space between the atoms, and it’s no surprise that when it comes to matters of the heart, this is where that pain, that sorrow, that grief is felt…

Sorrow is interesting to me.
It’s one of the easiest emotions for me to witness.
When I experience sorrow, it is incredibly powerful.
I feel it deep in that heart space.
And I see it, I see the beauty of it, and adore looking at it.
I caress her cheek gently, and stare directly into her eyes.
Sorrow is what it means to love, to be human, to live in this body…

Sorrow is what it means to have loved.

Other emotions are harder for me to witness.
Most notably anger. Which often pops up to protect my tender heart from the sorrow it feels.
But I admit, that when I feel sorrow, I am masterful at watching it wash over my being and make my whole body ache.
I feel the waves of it crash through every space in my being.
It ripples across all the matter and creates tears that then wash down my face.
Sorrow is a really beautiful thing to witness, and I believe it is the energy exchange we commit to when we experience a loss of love, loved one, or whatever else may have once brought you joy.
Some connection severed.

I’ve had plenty of experience with Sorrow in the past years, specifically this last year.
I lost my father.
A close friend of mine took his life…

And if I’m being honest my friend taking his life was far more sorrowful than the loss of my father.
I believe this to be true because my father’s loss brought him peace,
Although, I’m sure the same is true for my friend…

It was the sudden nature of it….I didn’t have time to prepare.
I had years to prepare with my father.
Years of sorrow to witness.
Years of tears and frustration and anger as he slipped closer and closer towards death.
Conversely, my friend was just gone…never to walk this planet again.

On top of these notable losses, I have had an inner journey that has been challenging and filled with discomfort, and yes….more sorrow.
Difficulty in relationships that make my heart space absolutely ache with sorrow.
My eyes close just at the thought of this pain.
My hand instinctively moves to my chest to rub it in reaction…
It’s powerful to feel this deeply.

I enjoy sorrow.
It is a beautiful emotion to witness.
It reminds us we had something to lose.
It reminds us to respect what it is that we have.

If I look back further, I look at all the unwitnessed sorrow I left on the table,
Whether it was the trappings of motherhood or self preservation,
There was plenty of sorrow that I walked by without a glance.
I picked up and left my home, my friends, my career, and moved 3000 miles away with a newborn baby….

Sometimes I wonder if I was crazy…
Other times, I know I’m not.
And right now, all I can think is about all the sorrow that caused me, and that I never witnessed myself in that.

I’m not sure why, and I’m sorry for that.
I deserved to witness myself in that.
And I forgive myself for that too.

So, does your heart ever ache?
Do you ever feel it deep in that heart space that somehow manages to pulse out to the rest of your body?

Witness it.
I beg of you, witness all of it.
I encourage you to sit back, give it space, and revel at her beauty, at your beauty.
She is not bad, she is a gift, a messenger, a reminder, an opportunity.
And if you’re willing to be brave, I encourage you to have someone else witness you in it.

Use this beautiful moment and ask yourself…what wisdom can I gain from this?
What blessing can I glean?

With my Dad, the lessons were deep and life altering, it changed the trajectory of my entire existence.

With matters of love for another who still walks this planet…it becomes more complex.

What wisdom do I take from that broken heart?
From that failed romance?
From that unfaithful boyfriend?
From that friend that lied to me?
From that friend who abandoned me?
From that family member that treats me poorly?

What wisdom do I gain from this experience, from this deep seated pain in the center of my chest?
All that pain that went unwitnessed.

It is not easy, but there is always wisdom,
If we choose to give ourselves space to witness, meditate, and be skillful in our implementation of said crusade for wisdom.

You must witness the beauty of the experience,
The richness of the emotion,
And then go inwards to see the wisdom this will bestow upon you and that you can move forward with.
Sorrow, or any emotion, isn’t meant to stay and live with you, she’s meant to teach you and help you move towards your next lesson.
She’s meant to guide you deeper into the abyss of you.

To find the lesson, the meaning, the blessing, the wisdom, the purpose, the value,
I ask myself questions.
Lots of questions.
Lots and lots of questions.
They are all welcome, and there are no chairs at the table for shame.

What kinds of questions might help me find my beloved chalice of wisdom?

First and foremost this powerful, beautiful emotion cues me to ask,
Did I honor myself?
Did I witness my self?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

And what does that even mean?
It means, more questions: did I listen to my intuition?
Did I tell the truth, MY truth, through my lens but with pure intention and love?
Did I state my desires, without fear of rejection or abandonment?
Did I set boundaries to honor my being?
Did I hold the boundaries I set?

Did I honor myself…did I listen to my self, my needs…did I love my self enough to do that?

And I will ALSO honor myself by forgiving myself for all the times I didn’t.
The Universe pays dividends when we trust ourselves and listen to HER wisdom.
The biggest question is, are you listening?
That voice of intuition is whispering in your ear.

I desire a big life, abundant in adventure,
Overflowing with great great love,
Deepened by beautiful relationships.
Relationships that you know go beyond time and space.
Relationships that take you further into the rabbit hole of exactly what we are here to do.
Relationships that give meaning to WHY we are here.
Relationships that uncover our purpose, my purpose.

And bring joy, tremendous joy, and laughter.

I desire great, great love,
MORE great, great love,
To give it, to receive it.
This love, I trust my self to GIVE,
I give it WITHOUT FEAR,
BECAUSE I have honored myself.
And with that may bring tsunamis of sorrow,
And I will witness myself in all of these things,
And use it to take me HIGHER.
I honor myself with forgiveness, I honor myself by witnessing my self,
And I am wiser for all of it.

Wiser, kinder, more loving, more compassionate, and moving towards mastery…

What emotion do you easily witness? What are you challenged by? And how do you honor your self?