Integrity is an interesting trait. Defined as a “quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.”
We often think about someone as either having integrity or not. Someone is either honest or dishonest. Someone is either acting within integrity, or without. And I don’t necessarily think it’s that black and white. It is, but it isn’t. I think integrity is often the victim of our egos. I think we desire to have integrity, but our egos tell us we are this, or we are that. Our egos tell us an invariable number of stories to keep us safe from many things, one of those things often being our truth, because our programming has convinced us that our truth may not be okay, not accepted, and not worthy of love. Which complicates our ability to have integrity…let me think on this further…
Integrity, for me, is about radical self honesty… And this is where it’s tricky. It’s easy to think we are telling our selves the truth, but then never share that truth. What does that mean? Well, we often think we are being honest with our selves, and yet we are never honest with another ABOUT our selves. And, in efforts to protect our selves from the fear of judgment, shame and blame, we tell those we love half-truths, white lies, or simply withhold pieces of the full truth. *Out of integrity.* And I think it’s common to attempt to protect our loved ones from what our TRUTH is. And here is the caveat, when we do that we are actually projecting what we THINK they will say, do, or how they will receive it – so REALLY what we are doing is silently judging, blaming, and shaming, OUR SELVES. Get radically honest with your self about that. Past programming is a bitch…for real tho….
We think we know a truth about our selves, and we hold back from telling those closest to us because we secretly (our ego) still holds judgment and shame around it. And in the process, we never give our loved ones the opportunity to accept and fully love those pieces of us, AND that makes sense because WE don’t fully love and accept those pieces either – a misalignment exists between our TRUTH and our PROGRAMMING… It takes courage to love all your pieces – ESPECIALLY with all the layers of programming. And it takes MORE COURAGE to TRUST and SHARE those pieces with others. AND within that courage is the gold! Sharing those vulnerabilities is where the healing takes place. I know this, because I have lived this. I still cringe at aspects of my self, and I’m working to laugh more at these parts, and hug my self through it…
I implore you to ask yourself really hard questions…WITHOUT JUDGEMENT of the answer. And I implore you to have the courage to share those pieces with those you trust. If you don’t trust anyone, I’d dare to say that you have some stories that are simply fallacies (your ego has run amuck), or you need better friends and loved ones, because you are ALWAYS worthy of love and acceptance, from your SELF, and ALSO from OTHERS. And if you truly, truly, love your self, speak your truth from your heart – with loving kindness – and remove attachment to the outcome. The right people will remain.
Find your self on the receiving end of someone out of integrity? Reflect (NOT judge) on how this may mirror an aspect of YOUR self that can be out of integrity, and make sure you set clear boundaries moving forward (if you feel uncomfortable AF, you’re doing it right…#Facts). EVERY experience is an opportunity to learn and grow. Save your self unnecessary pain and learn the first time!
Integrity is a non-negotiable in my relationships, AND if someone doesn’t know what that is, and you don’t set AND HOLD clear boundaries, the stage is set for future hurt. Someone that is out of integrity often may not mean to hurt you, they may not even know what their truth is, or “they can’t handle the truth” (said in Jack Nicholas’ voice of course), or they don’t know how to communicate it, because their ego is too busy blaming, shaming, and justifying their(and your) behavior and (perceived) beliefs.
Have compassion. That’s not about you.
We are all walking around this planet trying to find our selves. Trying to heal our selves. Trying to do the best we can for our selves. So again, have compassion.
I read an article about “alive relating” and it was SO good! Because the idea of relating versus relationship is so convoluted in a modern world that’s rife with generational trauma and social/cultural programming. Something the author and counselor said really stuck out to me, she suggested “it is important that we explore the bounds and possibilities of relating with people who share our own depth of integrity, self-responsibility and purity of intention.” I think this is the key to all of it, and finding out whether someone shares those qualities with you, is an entirely different post. Hahaha….
Happy Wednesday fam!
If you’re doing this work, please check out @silvykhoucasuan and @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram. They are amazing resources that have helped me illuminate the path I am walking. I like to think they’re holding my hand sometimes and asking me questions… Isn’t social media amazing?
Relationship VS. Relating – https://undividedjournal.com/2012/11/29/relationship-vs-relating/