I sit in a hotel room in Mississippi and I reflect on just how “real” 2018 has been. We are here to celebrate a 110th birthday. Unreal that some should live so long and my Dad started losing his mind in his early 60s. Life is funny that way.
The end of this year didn’t neglect to punch me in the face on the way out. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a bit of a hangover from the last couple weeks.
My Dad passing was a blessing, but it hurts no less. And it creates whole new ripples of growth within me. Yes, I’m relieved he is without pain and confusion. That being said, my heart and my head have a place within them now, that just feels…..empty.
You know when you feel like you’re forgetting something. You feel some sense of forgetfulness or like there’s something missing? That’s what this feels like. Like a piece is missing. It was a piece that required peace. I understand. And yet, I feel that in my Dad’s final rest, I find some deep unrest… I’m not sure if it will be like this forever, or if maybe one day, the loss will feel “normal.” It doesn’t really matter, as everything moves and changes…just observations I’ve been making.
In addition to the final punch in the face of my father passing, 2018 delivered many other beatings. It was a good year.
Yes, you heard that right, it was a great year! If it hadn’t been for all challenges this year brought, I no doubt wouldn’t be where I’m at personally.
Kibwé and I had some of our most deep and honest “conversations” of our life this year. We have realized our egos and our shit is the cause of most of our friction. We have fought terribly, and we have fought valiantly – it all depends on the day, who’s triggered the most, and who’s willing to let their shit go. The answer is, we both need to let our shit go, and with any luck we both need to assassinate our egos, and disarm any triggers. It’s the Hurt Locker over here people. That’s life…thankfully we get to do it together!
This year has been an interesting year for us in that way. We have moved and stretched and grown immensely, and as I lay in a hotel bed in Mississippi, next to the man I married many years ago, I can’t help but be incredibly proud. He’s my best friend, and I can literally tell him ANYTHING. You know those things you’re embarrassed to admit, those desires you’re afraid to express? I tell him those. 😳
It wasn’t always that way. We’ve always been friends, we’ve always been lovers, but now it’s more. We are truly operating on a new level. And it sucks sometimes. But it’s totally worth it.
This year we also watched the kids grow into themselves. Brooklyn continues to amaze us and although we’ve stopped being flattered when people compliment her looks, we can’t help but be tickled when others notice what a special little human she is. Thoughtful, creative, and resourceful…we regularly are inspired by her and her good nature. And Ruby….she can be a tornado of energy and mischief, it makes me crazy sometimes, but it also makes me laugh hysterically, and I have a real difficult time staying mad at her. She will be dangerous for all that come into contact with her, a delight of charm, fun, charisma, and a penchant for understanding what people need.
I watched my business rise and fall, ebb and flow. It hasn’t grown as I would wish it to in 2018. But this I know: lives are changing because of pure therapeutic ketones, in unimaginable and beautiful ways, people are regaining their self, their health, and their vitality, and I’m so thankful to be a part of that.
And in my heart, I hold hope that someone’s Dad, someone’s husband, will be saved from the pain I endured with my own Dad, because I chose to share this message.
So much of our health and wellness, so much of our genetic predispositions, are completely within our control. So if you’re sitting their feeling helpless about where you are, STOP IT! Right now. STOP IT.
You are in the driver’s seat of your own life. You are in control. If you choose to be. I decided to take control of my life, of my happiness. I decided to live my authentic life. I decided to share my truth this year, more than I ever have. I’m getting better at letting go of who I think I’m supposed to be, and stepping into who I REALLY am.
And it’s fucking beautiful. I have more love in my life than I could ever imagine. And it’s not just more love. It’s like my heart has expanded in a new way for all the people in my life.
This year I created some life changing relationships and we expanded our “family,” and I cemented the relationships I already have. This year I fell for a girl, and she’s pretty cool. Her and I are going to the end together. She’s my ride or die.
And as the rain pounds the window of this hotel room, and the music plays some dope as tunes, and the kids ask me a million questions as a try to write this, and lights are being flicked on and off (against my repeated requests), I can’t help but feel what I feel.
I feel my heart. So full. Instead of pumping blood, it feels like my heart is squeezing love, pure unconditional love, out into my entire body. And it transcends my body and emanates out, beyond my skin, and further than the farthest reaches man can know. It cannot be contained by the flesh that covers my muscle and bone and instead it radiates like a sin wave. And I’ma surf that bitch.
What else do I feel? Gratitude. This year revealed so much to me about all of you. Each time I made a post, wrote a blog, posted anything…it was rare to not receive a kind, encouraging, message from someone, sometimes strangers, sometimes close friends. It made my heart soar, EVERY SINGLE TIME! And when my Dad passed, the support, text messages, comments, phone calls, the love I felt from all of y’all…it makes me speechless. I’m blessed and better because of each one of you ♥️
2019, what do you hold? What do you have in store for me? I cannot be certain, but I can be certain of my response to what life throws my way, and I can move forward with all the love, joy, and value that I know I possess, and I commit to sharing more of that with the world this year.
I’m stepping into me even more this year, so look out people, if you get too close, you might just decide to walk this path beside me ♥️