“It’ll pass,” he says.
But in the moment it doesn’t feel that way.
It feels like I’m going to drown.
Like the resistance in me, is going to suffocate me, and I’m going to be stuck in this loop forever.
These words don’t console me, they condemn me…
Reinforcing self doubt, anger, fear…
The resistance I feel…it swells and makes me feel like my life means nothing, and my existence is hopeless….
That I can’t overcome it.
It dwarves me and disempowers me and convinces me that the ones I love would be better off without me, because what value could I ever provide them…
Like I don’t deserve their love, and how dare I take it when I give so little in return…
It’s all bullshit, but it feels real.
I can feel myself crashing into the resistance…
It feels like a dam in the depths of my consciousness, that’s literally stopping the flow of life…
Constricting positive vibes, halting the flow of any love from that deeper place…
Just a full stop.
Like a tourniquet has been placed on the artery of love, joy, peace…
And I’m aware of it.
I can feel myself smashing into that dam.
It hurts in my throat and heart…
Like I can’t swallow
Confusion and anger cloud my mind…
I know I have the answer, but it’s locked up, the key thrown away, and the bullshit keeps building behind that fucking dam.
A reservoir of resistance.
Tears threaten to fall, to get some sort of release…
Tempers rise in an attempt to relieve some of the pressure…
Like a caged animal, I feel the need to break free and run…where? I don’t know.
That goddam fucking dam.
It’s ruining me.
And guess who built that dam?
Guess who put that hulking piece of concrete in my mind, disconnecting me from the source of joy that I know resides within me…
Guess who did that?
I built it over years of being convinced the voices around me mattered more than the one within.
I built it when I was a kid and was convinced that I was fat or more kindly “big boned.”
I built it when I listened to the negative self talk being practiced around me, and adopted the same bullshit narrative.
I built it when I was dumped as an adolescent for a “cooler crowd.”
I built it when I didn’t have boyfriends in high school and accepted it was because I was “bigger” than most girls…
I built it thicker and sturdier, every single time a man rejected me, hurt me, walked away from me all the while claiming they loved me.
I built that dam when I told myself the story that I wasn’t enough,
time and time again.
Each batch of concrete was fortified with negative self talk, self doubt, low self esteem, self importance, ego…all perfect binders to create an impenetrable wall of resistance.
Each batch poured with unconscious criticism and fear.
I built a dam worthy of Hoover, football fields of concrete, that disconnected me from the truth.
And what truth am I speaking of?
That just fucking maybe, I am enough.
That just fucking maybe, all of the bullshit I used to build with were not my building materials to begin with…just borrowed from those around me.
They were opinions, thoughts, actions all belonging to someone else’s story, that I adopted and used to fortify my own bullshit story.
Accepting a narrative out of unconscious habit, and lack of awareness.
Practicing a frame of mind, without even knowing there was a better option…
And what’s the truth?
That maybe, this is all up to fucking me.
That maybe, I could write my own fucking story.
That maybe I could break through that resistance and let the flow of what was behind that dam wash over me and cure me of all the unconscious bullshit I’ve been practicing and accepting without question.
Like I’ve been practicing for the Bullshit Olympics all my life, and just realized there’s a much better Olympic Games that the happy people participate in…
So, I’m aware.
There’s a dam that disconnects me.
I built it, I fortified it, I’ve let it constrain, constrict, and strangle my happiness…
Do I condemn the builder? As I have been…
Do I judge her harshly? As I’ve also done…
Do I throw her away? As others have…
Fuck no…I need to be done with that. I must be done with that.
Because I’m a fucking child of this universe who’s light is connected to everything that’s amazing in his world and beyond, but that fucking dam has been the problem, NOT ME!
So I wield my pickaxe of gratitude with the strength of the goddess that lies within me,
I brandish my sword of self determination with the power of the warrior that has been unaware of the battle,
And I fucking beam a powerful ray of pure joy from the lover that’s been slumbering quietly…
God dam that dam!
It is no match for the goddess, or the warrior, and certainly not the lover.
But first, I must call on them. I must invoke their powers.
I must ask them to fight for me.
I must let them know that we’re at war.
I must tell them I need them and then surrender to their powers.
As long as it’s taken to build this dam, it is no match for the epic shit that has been sleeping in the depths, lurking in the shadows, waiting to be called upon…
I’ll give them the tools,
I’ll empower them,
And I’ll sit back and watch that motherfucking dam wash away in the flood waters of who I’m actually meant to be.