I recently heard someone use the term “hubby hate.” I asked what the hell that meant? Apparently this is a thing that is talked about and blogged about on a regular basis now? Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging. I understand there are intricacies to being with someone long term. I understand there are delicacies, and annoyances, and longing and yearning. I think all of these things are human.
But I also think that loathing and hating your husband is certainly not a place I ever want to be for more than three seconds.
It is a choice to hate. And the thought of hating my husband feels awful inside… How could I hate this man who works so hard for us? Who loves and is patient with our children? Who caught my babies as they entered this world? How could I hate this man who tolerates my bullshit, and works so hard to be a better man for me?
I’m not sure what’s left, but I feel like we have had every difficult conversation that a married couple could have (including the one about divorce, and the one about having feelings for other people), and we came out the other side with more love and adoration than before. You could say we’re “lucky,” but I don’t believe in that. I would rather give credit to the fact that we love and value one another, we accept that we are human, and we are committed to sorting out our bullshit.
So, how do we keep that mutual adoration and genuine care alive and well, how do we protect against hate and annoyance creeping in? How do we stoke the fires of desire and lust, when essentially there’s nothing new to explore together?
I just can’t see cavewoman ever hating her partner, but maybe she never lived long enough to get there…. The thing is, she would have had all sorts of challenges just surviving. I think hating your husband is a legitimate privilege. It’s something that’s available because we are too bored or too stressed or too well kept. And that’s a judgement against humans as a whole, not you personally.
If the struggle is to just survive, there’s no time to fucking hate the person that is trying to survive AND help you survive too. If your basic needs of food, shelter, and water are at the top of the daily needs list, as well as making sure that your genetic line persists, then I think how loudly your mate chews becomes a non-issue.
But we are privileged. We’re lucky enough to live somewhere where food, water, and shelter are common. Paying for all of it may be a stressor, depending on your financial situation, but it’s not a physical stressor that determines life or death – it is this nagging mental stressor that we just tolerate and have allowed to manifest into all the other bullshit.
I think the boredom and stresses of modern day parenthood exist due to the fact that we never have to physically struggle (against a beast or the elements), we don’t have the support of a multi-generational community with raising our young, and we generally have no community support in raising our families and providing food and shelter.
It’s like we are caged animals, and the price we pay for domestication and comfort is a life that often lacks adventure, inspiration, risk, reward, desire or victory. Most have given up the thrill of the fight, for the comfort of peace. After all, it is much easier to go to the store and grab some groceries, than it is to go to the wilderness with some tribe members, hunt down a wild beast, kill it, and then butcher and prepare it for your next meal. And it’s much easier and acceptable to scream silently at your frustrations, then it is to go and physically work them out, or emotionally work them out.
Think about how gratifying the struggle of cavelife would have been. Able bodied cavewomen and cavemen would have undergone incredible physical feats to simply have a meal. They would have had to use keen mental skills acquired through generations of trial and error, then they would have had to use their superior brain and physical skills as a community to make the kill. There would be no boredom, incredible physical exertion, strong community support, and life or death threats regularly. Hate cannot breed in this environment.
So, if you hate your husband, and you also love him, and you want to stay together, I think you tackle this shit head on. There are always options if you’re unhappy, and hate isn’t the one I’d choose. Is it common? Yes. Does it feel good to hate, and is it good for your relationship? I’d say no. So, what can you do instead?
Well, if it was any other kind of hate, how would you approach it? I lifted some ideas from the SPLC on hate crimes and am using that framework for you to address your “hubby hate.” Silly? Maybe. A solution? Possibly.
- Act – don’t sit back and let your hate control you, do some shit about it. Apathy will get you nowhere. Go do something exciting. Challenge yourself. Do this alone or with your partner. Take a self defense course and beat some shit up. Join a powerlifting club and learn to lift heavy shit. Go climbing. Run a race you don’t think you can do. Connect with your inner cavewoman and challenge the fuck out of her. Emotionally and physically.
- Join forces with friends and loved ones – connect with a diverse group of people that will support and talk to you about how to overcome, and who will not jump on the bandwagon of “I hate my partner.” This isn’t a gossip session. I’m guessing you love and respect one another, so quit highlighting the things you hate. This is you being active and engaged with your relationships, and working from a place of “I love this person,” “I want this to work,” “how can I get through these emotions effectively?” What do I need? Who is on board with supporting me and my relationship? Find these people, they make your tribe stronger, instead of ripping it apart.
- Support the victims – give your partner love and support and protect your relationship. No one else is going to protect your relationship other than the two of you. You may have some close tribe mates that will, but they aren’t in your relationship. You are. Fucking love that person so much it hurts. Love that person so much that it matters MORE to you that they are happy, than it matters whether you’re the person that can make them happy. Love them so much, that if you think someone else will love them better, or support them more, that you’re okay with that. Because true, true, true, love is about bringing those you love the most love and fulfillment possible, and maybe that isn’t you. I’m not recommending divorce, but sometimes that’s the most loving decision.
- Speak up – talk to your partner! Don’t let years of unhappiness settle in. BEFORE you talk to them, speak up to yourself. Then go to step 5.
- Educate yourself – what’s really going on? What do you really need? Often it may just be a weekend away. A recharge. Maybe you just need to be fucked really good. But you can’t hide from your feelings, and you certainly can’t dump them on your husband without understanding where they are coming from and what you might need. He’s literally not trained for that. I mean you could, but the outcome may not be what you want. Read books and articles – ones that support your tribe, if that’s what you want. Reading only about division and frustration will not support togetherness and happiness. Get a counselor if you need to. AGAIN, we weren’t meant to do this alone. Employing someone trained to help you, might be the best option nowadays, just as hiring a housekeeper is often the best choice to help you tackle those needs. Remember, we used to share all these responsibilities with a tribe. So give yourself a fucking break if you can’t do it all.
- Create an alternative – find another outlet for anger and frustration. This is where exercise/adventure comes in again! Exercise is a known reliever of stress. And most often this “hubby hate” comes from stress, feeling unsupported, or feeling hamstrung/trapped. So, instead of giving into it, find a way to relieve the stress, figure out how you can feel more supported (and then ask for that), and then talk to someone about how you can take back some sense of yourself.
- Pressure leaders – talk to the leaders within your tribe. Have them check-in with you. Ask for their assistance. Tell them what you need. This may be another scenario where you lean on friends and family, or it may be where you join support groups, mom groups, peer groups that want the same thing, and are interested in supporting you (create one if you need to), or hire someone for their expertise. Go into these scenarios knowing what you want.
- Stay engaged – don’t disconnect from your partner or yourself. You cannot solve problems if you’re checked out.
- Teach acceptance – accept your bullshit, forgive yourself, accept your husband’s bullshit, forgive him too. Say I love you (to yourself and him), work on your shit, ask him to work on his shit. Be clear on what you want, and accept that maybe some things won’t change. If they don’t, do you still want to be together? If the answer is yes, then you MUST change expectations around that.
- Dig deeper – look inside yourself. What is it you’re hating? Why do you feel angry? Why do you get annoyed and irritable with your entire family? What the hell is going on? Do this with love and forgiveness. Remember, LIFE WASN’T MEANT TO BE DONE THIS WAY! So you can give yourself a break too Mama.
When you’re digging deeper, look at the 4 pillars (hyperlink). How are you addressing your nourishment? Maybe your anger and hate are the results of a neurotransmitter imbalance or a hormonal issue. See your doc, or do some reading. How are you addressing your movement? Have you exercised this week? This month?
You cannot function optimally without daily movement. It is a non-negotiable. You are a beast. The baddest fucking beast on the planet. Your species has literally walloped many of the greatest beasts of this world into extinction. Maybe not something to be proud of, but a testament to what you came from. If your dog needs a daily walk, it stands to reason you do to.
How are you addressing tribe and spirituality? Are you practicing gratitude and connecting with nature? These are simple tasks that don’t take time, and I’m positive will help.
Manage your expectations!
Having kids, changing jobs, moving, they all take a toll on your inner life as well as your outer life and relationships. Talk with your partner and your self to sort out what you need to feel fulfilled. Surrender to the fact that some periods of life are just the way they are, and they pass and morph into other phases.
You’re the architect of the journey in between.
Accept that if we are going to parent and live this life, unnatural to how we were meant to, that we need to start managing ourselves better.
Cavewoman persisted through the harshest of times in our existence to give us a chance to be MORE. We are her children. She would want us to practice forgiveness, gratitude, creativity, love, and do the inner work it takes to live happily ever after. Start with practicing on yourself, then take that to your husband, your kids, your friends, your enemies. You deserve all that forgiveness, gratitude, creativity, and love. You truly do. You’re parenting as we were never meant to. You’re a fucking rockstar. You’re a fucking beast. You’re a goddam badass to take on this shit.
You can do this life however you want, and you should.
You owe it to Cavewoman. You owe it to yourself.