Have a love affair with yourself first, and then whoever finds themselves worthy can join you.
But let’s be clear, not everyone is worthy, and we don’t need anybody else for the things we often want them for.
So, what do I mean, “not everyone is worthy.”
Not everyone deserves to be around you and your awesomeness. Who you are, who you truly, truly are, deserves to be protected – whether that’s from energy vampires, or people that want what you have, but don’t have the balls to go for it. Whether in friendship or in romance, these people will dump you or weed themselves out over time. Just remember, that’s not about you.
What is it about, then? It has nothing to do with you not being “enough” and everything to do with you being completely whole. People that embrace themselves, and work towards better, terrify people that do not. You shine a spotlight on their truth, that they don’t believe they’re enough. You’re a reminder of their bullshit – although they are likely ignorant to said bullshit. So, I repeat, it’s not about you. When they decide to step into their awesome, and see that they are enough, then welcome them with open arms. Let them bow out for now, but leave the door open for when they’re strong enough to push through it.
I want everyone to come with me, join me, fucking have fun and do good in this lifespan. But because I shine that light on people, because I endeavour to love myself, and hold myself accountable, there’s going to be fewer people that are able to handle and do that. And because I hold a high amount of personal accountability, I’ll always have a hard time with people that don’t match what I’m willing to contribute in a relationship. It’s not like we won’t be tight, we will, but I would go to the end of the Earth for the people I love. If you’re only willing to go halfway, fucking see you at the halfway point. I’m not going to go further than you’re willing to go. Lesson learned on that one.
I’ll always hold a high amount of personal accountability. Why? Because it’s power. If I take full accountability for everything in my life, and I mean EVERYTHING, I then gain control to change it. If I blame it on someone else or make excuses for why it happened, then I remove any power I could have to rectify the situation.
And what do I mean, “you don’t need anybody else?”
Do we need other people? Yes, of course we do. We are a species rooted in community. It matters whether we have people around that love and care for us. It mattered if Cavewoman had people to help her hunt, raise her kids, and fight the environmental hazards to survive.
Community matters. Tribe matters.
We often, however, look to other people to fulfill needs we think we lack. We look to them to validate and love us, to reassure us – to make us whole, as if we are not already whole.
Think about intrinsic versus extrinsic motivation. If you are intrinsically motivated to read a book, you do it because you enjoy it and find it interesting. If you are extrinsically motivated to read a book, you do it because there is a reward at the end or you are hoping to avoid a negative outcome. Let’s apply that to love.
If we are seeking love from everybody else (extrinsically) we may simply be trying to avoid a negative outcome, i.e. fear, abandonment, loneliness. Or we may be looking for the reward of approval, of evidence that we are good enough, and that we deserve love.
But what if your feelings of approval and love came from yourself, intrinsically? What if when you felt lonely or scared, you could look inward, give yourself a hug and say “I love you, it’s going to be okay.” What if you didn’t need to look to your partner or mother for reassurance that you’re enough? What if you intrinsically knew that you were beautiful, and kind, and decent? What if when you were nervous about performing, you didn’t have to turn to your partner for a nod? What if you could hug yourself and take solace in you?
What if you were your biggest fan? What if your greatest love affair was with you?
What if you went to sleep with the person that mattered most in this world, and woke up and looked at her in the mirror every single day? How would that transform your life?
What if you were laying on your deathbed, looking around at your loved ones, and realized you were going to have to do this one on your own? Wouldn’t you want to do it with someone you absolutely adored? Someone that had your back your whole life? You can be that person for yourself.
At the end of the day when you close your eyes to sleep, at the end of this life when you pass on to whatever is next, it will be just you. That’s not meant to be sad, it’s meant to motivate you to take a serious look at how you’re treating yourself. Be your biggest fan, be your greatest love, be your own best friend.
And the most beautiful thing about it, is if you can be courageous enough to love yourself this way, who do you think you’ll attract into your world?