Everybody poops: everybody ejaculates.

You may or mat not know this about me, but I do not shy away from topics relating to sex or foul language.  In fact, I love talking about sex WHILE using foul language! As I grew up, I was surrounded by like-minded friends, and they couldn’t care less about how I spoke about either topic. It wasn’t until I went to college that I realized, maybe this wasn’t normal conversation. Gasps when I would say “fuck” or nervous laughter when I made a dirty joke, were all “tells” that maybe I wasn’t among my tribe. This in no way stopped me from being a “foul mouthed pervert,” but it did cause me to question the appropriateness of what I said around the people I was around – self censorship…kind of.

Sex is as human as taking a shit…

The thing is, sex can be really funny…. It’s one of the most HUMAN things we do. In a society that has largely gone away from all the things that make us human, evolution, and the pleasure of sex, has kept us connected to this most human thing. We all know the children’s book “Everybody Poops,” and I would venture to say that the statement could be made that “Everybody has sex.” Sex is as human as taking a shit….yes, I said that. It is a natural action that we all need, and partake in…given the opportunity. Although, I suppose you don’t need a second party to have sex. As Wonder Woman said “when it comes to procreation, men are essential, but for pleasure, not necessary.” So maybe I should rephrase to “Everybody Ejaculates.”

…if I made a joke about shitting, would you take that as an invitation to shit your pants?

These are NATURAL things. What I find interesting is that if you make a joke about sex, some people take that as an invitation. Like you have somehow opened the door for their penis…not the case my friend. And to further illustrate this point: if I made a joke about shitting, would you take that as an invitation to shit your pants? Or drop a deuce in front of me, or snarf a fart in my face? I don’t think you would…. But because you have a fucked up relationship with sex, and it has become a lewd, secretive, dirty, UNNATURAL topic to discuss, you see a joke about a natural occurrence as an opening that suggests you should pull down your pants and start wanking it. C’mon people, you’re better than that.

How dare a GIRL, have the audacity to shit big enough to plug a toilet?!

Both sex and poop seem to be related to embarrassment and shame. How, THE FUCK, did we become embarrassed about the two most natural things that we are SUPPOSED to do? As a child, I was incredibly embarrassed about “number two.” I had a penchant for plugging toilets. What can I say??? As a girl, this is a “no-no.” How dare a GIRL, have the audacity to shit big enough to plug a toilet?! It gave me a serious complex and actually made me fear taking a shit. I would hold it and wait until I felt I was somewhere safe to go to the bathroom. Another human truth: sphincters open when they are relaxed (true for shitting, pissing, and childbirth – why are sphincter things embarrassing?). One of the most natural occurrences as a human, and I found myself trying to control it. How incredibly fucked up is that?

Conversely, when it came to sex, I was much more accepting of it’s human nature. I accepted that if a man had an erection, that I must be attractive enough, and should likely not worry about what I looked like naked. Not sure, how my self conscious late teen and early twenty self was able to reconcile that, because my body was not something I was comfortable with.

I have sharted in public, had diarrhea, farted loudly, varted louder…

Naturally, we would have likely always been semi-private about both affairs, but it would have been well understood that everyone partook in these events. Diarrhea would have been a sign of illness, farts would have been normal occurrences, and erections would have been obvious through early versions of clothing with no belt to tuck behind. Erections would have also been a likely sign of virility. My point is, no pun intended, quit taking yourself so fucking seriously. I have sharted in public, had diarrhea, farted loudly, varted louder (so embarrassingly hilarious), and had all sorts of ridiculous shit happen during sex that can only be qualified as HUMAN and hilarious.

…it can be one of the most empowering and disempowering things that we as humans participate in…

So, get a sense of humor, and surround yourself with people, including your mate, that aren’t embarrassed to be human. Poop should be accepted as the sum of hard work (hunting and foraging) and the amazing biology of digestion. (Disclaimer: I’m not saying that we need to talk about the quality and quantity of shit we’re taking. I’m simply saying, that it happens. Get over it.) And when it comes to sex…it can be hilarious, and ridiculous, but it can also be intense, beautiful, pleasurable, sensual, erotic, intimate, and let’s not forget, it is the gateway to LIFE on earth – it can be one of the most empowering and disempowering things that we as humans participate in – find a partner(s) that contribute to the former, and avoid the latter.

I refuse to be embarrassed about these things. You should too.